Audio Blogger is Cool!

It actually posted. I am not sure why the shit took so long to post but it was awesome to have it work finally!!!!!!

Audio Blogger was a no go

I was soooo excited about the audio post but neither worked. I had dreams last night about trying to go to art school in Georgia. It was a positive dream. They were willing to help me out but oddly enough I kept getting interrupted when I was trying to tell the financial counselor about what I wanted to do. I find it funny that even in my dreams I downplay my decisions. It's an unfortunate part of my existence. Even in my dreams I feel weak. I can't speak up, I can't say what I feel. I hate it.

It sucks.

Audio Blogger Sucks!

Sex, Lies, and Rock n' Roll

I am such a fuckin' ass. But anyway, I digress. I was hoping my frickin' audio posts would actually do just that. . . post. . . but they still have not. I have been here with Von all evening playing Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas. And you know what, those people who say that this shit doesn't influence you are crazy because I actually said, "Hey! Jump out of the car and beat that old lady up and take her money!" So it's a cool game. I am good at driving the motorcycle but not much else. I can't find shit because I can't use the map. My ass is freezing because of these thin pajamas I have on.

Today I went to work . . . my new, second job. I picked up my 14 dollar check. It kinda sucked but I didn't realize I had a check so it was like 'oh!' 14 dollars LOL. Whatever.

I've become obsessed with this lavendar flavored massage lotion! I love the intense smell. This is something I wish I had some strong hands rubbing all over me. It would be sooooo relaxing. It's 2 in the morning. I should really go to bed but I am obsessed with watching Von play this game.

I need to go to bedddddddddd! Geez. . . I want to read some or do something so I feel like I did something else in this day. That is my problem. I hate sleeping because I feel like I am wasting time :( I wish I could function without sleeping. There is a guy in the gennis book of world records that never slept. I will look him up on the internet! The net didn't have much about him. I gotta go. . . my ass is frozen now.

This makes sense.

Global Personality Test Results

Stability (9%) very low which suggests you are extremely worrying, insecure, emotional, and anxious. Orderliness (26%) low which suggests you are overly flexible, improvised, and fun seeking at the expense too often of reliability, work ethic, and long term accomplishment. Extraversion (57%) moderately high which suggests you are, at times, overly talkative, outgoing, sociable and interacting at the expense of developing your own individual interests and internally based identity.

Take Free Global Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

Am I left or right brained:

Brain Lateralization Test Results

Right Brain (64%) The right hemisphere is the visual, figurative, artistic, and intuitive side of the brain. Left Brain (30%) The left hemisphere is the logical, articulate, assertive, and practical side of the brain

Are You Right or Left Brained?(word test)
personality tests by similarminds.com

My Perfect Careers

This makes sense! It fits right into what I am thinking:

Withdrawn (I) 51.43% Outgoing (E) 48.57% Imaginative (N) 73.53% Realistic (S) 26.47% Emotional (F) 75% Intellectual (T) 25% Improvised (P) 75.76% Organized (J) 24.24% Your type is: INFP You are an Idealist, possible professions include - information-graphics designer, college professor, researcher, legal mediator, social worker, holistic health practitioner, occupational therapist, diversity manager, human resource development specialist, employment development specialist, minister/priest/rabbi, missionary, psychologist, writer

Take Free Career Inventory Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

Patterns

I took a personality test for disorders. Here are my results:

Personality Disorder Test Results Paranoid |||||||||||||||||||| 86% Schizoid |||||||||||||| 54% Schizotypal |||||||||||||||| 62% Antisocial |||||||||||| 42% Borderline |||||||||||||||||||| 90% Histrionic |||||||||||||||||| 78% Narcissistic |||| 14% Avoidant |||||||||||||| 58% Dependent |||||||||||||||||||| 86% Obsessive-Compulsive |||||||||| 34%

Take Free Personality Disorder Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

I find that much of this is true and I will probably be 90% Schizotypal within the next 10 years. I was telling my buddy Sergio that I was feeling like something is wrong with me. It could be the season. It could be the decision to move. It could be some of my friends treating me like an asshole. It could be all of those things. I don't know. I know my sleeping hasn't been good. I wake up with my head smashed against the wall and turned crossways on the bed. That makes my neck hurt really bad. Ouch! I need someone to give me a real massage. No one ever offers. . . no one in close proximity anyway.

Gotta go. . . Serg is making breakfast yum. . . .Peace.

Being Inlove

I once was talking to a friend on a drive once and I asked him was he inlove. He said, "Yeah I think so." And I happily told him that I was too. Then he said, "Isn't it fun?" And I looked at him with wonder in my eyes having never thought of this before and I said, "Yeah, it is!" and I was in awe of that statement for the rest of the drive.

Is it really fun? I have been pondering this. Janet Jackson's song "That's The Way Love Goes" says "Like a moth to a flame burned by the fire." It's interesting. . . You are drawn to this thing and most of the time you will just get burned. That's the way love goes doesn't it? I don't know.

I am down today. . . too many bad things happening at once. But that's the way life goes I guess.

I'm a Real Loser Sometimes

All I can say is today I left the house and went all over Pasadena with 2 different shoes on! Damn I suck. This is the time of year where you can't rely on natural light to help you get dressed . . . being fall and all. I can't believe it. Most of the time I was completely unaware of it. Then when I realized it I developed a funny walk and stance to make sure that I was never showing both shoes at the wrong time. If you've ever done something like this. . . I am sorry for you. I mean I've worn my shirt backwards but that's an easy one to play off. . . two different shoes. . . that's a bit harder.

Heil Heretic!

hitlerpey
Originally uploaded by comzikbrown.

It's funny. . .I thought there were certain resemblances between me and the Furher but it seems odd that anyone would think 'I' was Hitler! Here is a picture of me. Do I look like him? Of course not! Geez! Just because I got a little facial hair doesn't mean anything! I keep it nice and trim. I was wearing a shirt with the letter 'T' on it. Somehow the picture got distorted though. Maybe it's a reflection. That's all! I am not Hitler!

One of Those Times You Should Quit While Ahead

6
Originally uploaded by comzikbrown.

Now this came as a big surprize. After taking the 45 question test. . . I discovered I was the Furher! Because of my paranoia and my tendency for killing off entire races, I was deemed spawn of the Furher! This is unbelievable. Now honestly on the test I answered honestly. . . and since this was the more specific test. . . I am obviously a Nazi Dictator. This actually makes me feel better. I was worried that I was a weakling. . . but now I know I have the power to smite mine enemies! Down with all who oppose me! FEAR MY WRATH BUUUUWWAAAAHHAHAAHAHA!

What Leader are You?

4
Originally uploaded by comzikbrown.

Well I thought this was fucking cool. I took the 18 question test to see what famous leader I was most like and it gave me Che Guevara. I felt cool. . . I felt calm, I felt collective. I even took the 9 question test and got the same one. My buddy Sergio got "Gandhi" he must have lied on his! LOL. No really he is a Gandhi mentality except about wearing 'home spun" He's a metrosexual LOL!!!!! I feel better. Now that I know I am the cool revolutionary. . . but wait. . . I just had to take the 45 question test just to make sure. . . just to make sure that it was me. . . This cool guy and I hate to admit it, Che Guevara was not who I got. . .

Here's To My Friend

When all of my other 'friends' are treating me like crap. . . I don't mean to discount the ones that aren't. But sometimes I do and that makes me an even bigger asshole but oh well. Here's a thanks to my best friend Sergio. I used to say, 'oh he's my best friend' because I thought it was cool to have a best friend that was a guy :) but really. . . I've never had a truer closer friend. We fight, we argue, we disagree, but Sergio has always been there for me even when I was a complete and total bitch. This might be why I don't have any other friends :( Thanks Sergio. It breaks my heart to think that if I move I won't be seeing you anymore.

I remember you and I talked about having houses across the street from each other and our kids playing together. I hope God finds a way to make that still happen. I love you man!

The Best Life Ever

I feel so fucking pathetic and rejected. That's cool though. I deserve it. Why bother with surviving in this life. I am too pathetic to do anything on my own and a person who is not independent deserves to be treated like an ass. It's cool. It's cool. Just supress it. Just push it down way past the other hurts and pains. Let people look at you and pretend as if nothing is going on all the while they are plotting to get rid of you or get away from you. How can I trust anyone? I can't. But that's because I am a burden and burdens have no one. This is a lesson in courage. I am building up the courage to slit my wrists. Everyone else seems to be able to figure out a happy life. As for myself, since I can't figure it out I should just die.

Sorry everyone. I am just upset. Maybe I'll feel better. Maybe things will get better. Maybe I'll sleep in my car. I imagine it doesn't get too cold in there during the winter if I have plenty of blankets. Hopefully no one will break in and rob or kill me. I should try it one night just to test it out before it happens.

I FUCKIN' HATE MYSELF, WHY AM I SUCH A FUCKING RETARD??? WHY THE FUCK IS THAT????? WHY??? WAS I JUST BORN THAT WAY?

The Majesty of There

When I think about how small we all are in this universe. . . it overwhelms me. The world outside ourselves is a magical and grandiose place. My 'c' key is getting stuck sometimes. You know what I can't figure out. . . I can't figure out why George Clooney's character even cars about this, what's her name? Catherine Zetta Jones character. Anyway. . . I ! Damn the door is knockin'. Fuckin' woody. If I'm not making sense. . . that's because I am on my period.

Fuck California. These people in this state are ridiculous. I am sik . . .damn my 'c' key! I'm sick of this! I am ANGRY!

But Whatever

I had to sell my flute my dad gave me. They only gave me about 10 bucks for it. But whatever. I also sold those earrings that that bastard gave to me telling me they were all expensive. . . also ten dollars. . . but whatever. I sold some DVDs quite a few of them for the grand total of 24.75 but whatever. One of my friends is frustrated with me (add one more to the list) because I ate something of theirs that I thought was just left overs. I was a little over zealous about it because I have been living off rice most days large bowls of them just like in ethiopia. . . with the occasional pasta dinner . . . but whatever. It's no big deal. I am not going to have a pity party about it. It's alright. I'm an adult and I should be able to handle it on my own. Forget dealing with Christians values. Nevermind that. I can understand why they would be upset. . . having a freeloader around. That's what I am. A big fat ass freeloader. I guess this is a case for moving more than anything else. I don't want to feel like dirt in my friend's eyes. That's how I feel now. And I get so sick of people telling me to stop whining. They don't know wha it's like! My roommates will never know what it's like to be so poor you can't buy food! They will never know that feeling! Jesus! What the fuck am I still here for? I'm just being a drain on society! FUCK!

Just Stop the Pain

I don't talk to people much about it, but I think about it all the time. I wonder what it is like to kill yourself. I wonder if you'll really go to Hell. I mean the way I used to understand salvation is all wrong. You don't have to ask for forgiveness every single time you sin. After you are saved, isn't that it? So no matter how you die it shouldn't matter. Sure you're going 'before your time' but isn't that your time. . . I mean when you go? It doesn't matter when you actually go, you're gone. I mean there are a thousand different questions one could ask and never get a straight answer. It is not proving that you don't have faith. I have faith that Jesus died on the cross. I just don't have faith in myself. Is that required to enter the gates of heaven? I mean shouldn't I be considered enthusiastic to get there sooner. This life sucks and all I can think about is ending it. Some people would rant and say that I am childish or dumb for thinking about it but those would be assholes who don't know what it's like to live in my shoes. I hate when people try to tell you all the great things about yourself and tell you you have a future. What the fuck do they know. They aren't in my shoes. They don't know what it's like to fail all the time. To not have a consistent bone in your body. But then I am a big pile of chicken shit. I mean I am too scared to do it anyway. Just like I'm scared to do anything so I just sit here and feel miserable because I'm too afraid to make a move. I hate myself more than I hate anything.

A Cruel Cruel World

Well life is full of shit. I owe one of my roommates more money than I can pay back. I haven't paid my rent. I have no food. I actually ate 2 bowls of rice for dinner and I am wondering what the hell can I eat today. I am considering going to the gas station and putting 2 dollars in my car. That should get me up to Monday. While all this seems funny. . . I feel like crying often. . . but I've become too tired to cry. Yesterday I got home from work around 7 and then I went to the bank. When I got back it was about 7:40 or something like that and I just came in my room and cried. I felt so bad that I forgot my best friend's birthday. I feel like dirt. I have nothing though. I actually ate a tootsie roll sucker that was, I'm sure. . . from last Halloween. I might have another pack of spinach in the freezer. That is very old but it will be good to eat that healthwise.

On top of everything I keep thinking about my ex. I keep thinking about the feelings I had. I think about how lost all those feelings are. I wonder what he is doing. I wonder if he is with that woman and they are making love or having fun. I am very sad over that. It's just a reminder of how bad my life sucks right now. :( I remember how inlove I was. I had a certain feeling of security in my love. It was powerful. Now when I think of it all I feel is that I may never get it back again. I have a great guy who loves me and every person I encounter, I hope that it will be just as wonderful. . . well no I don't actually. I know ahead of time I have nothing else to give.

Then there is the dark secret that I've been hanging on to. I sure as hell hope that that is not something I'll have to worry about and it's just my imagination. I sure as hell hope to God for that. My life is hopeless.

Why All The Fuss

I am sitting downstairs in Sergio's place. . . I wish it was only Sergio's place again. I felt more welcomed. Sergio is in the shower listening to what sounds like old timey Mariachi. I am bored bored bored. Today was my day off and all I did was watch TV. And what do you think I'm doing now. . . watching more TV. I'm faced with a dilema. I am probably going to have to move soon. It would be good for me. I just wish that I didn't. I love my room. I love not having to change. I could move to Georgia with this guy. . . I think that I would end up being happy. . . but I am scared that I wouldn't. I am watching Sex in the City and The Order. Soon the Simpsons is going to come on. Now I get to see how racy SITC on TBS actually is. Nothing so far. . . they went to commerical. That's wack.

Life sucks now. I don't have money to pay rent and when I get paid I am going to have nothing but the rent money. Things will get better once I start getting more hours from my other job I suppose but it's not really gonna kick in until another 3 weeks. That sucks. I don't know what these people who collect my rent are going to think or say. It's frustrating. I have no money. Of course it's my fault but damn. . . I just need peace. I never get it. There is always some problem or frustration. There is always something. I don't know what to do. I am wishing I had a sandwich right now or something. I've resolved not to spend the money my dad gave me unless it was for parking. But after I pay my rent I won't have money to pay him back :( I owe other people money too. These people have no soul. This sucks.

Oh well. . . now the Simpsons is on. I am soooooo fuckin' bored. Damn life sucks. I wonder what the hell this dude is saying that Sergio is listening to. I have nothing else to say. I want to gooooooooooooooo some place far away. . . .but just not to the place I've hated so long! :( What the fuck am I going to dooooooo??!?!?!?

Fearful Beginnings

Well, I am a little worried about my friend visiting me. I think that it will be good but I am still scared. You can't take that fear away. He wants me to trust him completely and he doesn't understand why someone can't do that. . . someone like me. But oh well. If it goes bad you guys. . . here is my 'good bye' it's been nice writing for you guys! Just kidding. . . I hope.

I love the Sopranos! I used to watch it when it first came on but then I didn't have cable. Now I am at home sometimes when it comes on so I guess I'll watch it. I love the opening song. It's bad ass. I want to see if I can find it somewhere. But now I am going to watch the Vice Presidential Debates too. I don't know about the sunshine boys as Time magazine has deemed the Democratic candidates. I don't know. I just don't know. I want to vote for Bush just because I don't want to bother switching. The VP looks so young on the Dem side. If you guys don't know, you can download the presidential debates as well as all the speeches from the democratic and republican national convention from iTunes for FREE! Somethings in life are free!

Cheney is lighting into Edwards dang. He was like YOU'RE WRONG biatch! Dang.

Alrighty. I am out. Might play a little Sims. Laterz

Sometimes He says 'No'

I guess I got my answer. I tried and failed.

Redemption and a Prayer

All I can say is I dreamed a dream and it was crushed. How can you look a person in the eye, respect them, honor them, and love them if they've done the unthinkable? Is love greater than that? When do you draw the line? I am sure that which I speak of far crosses the line. I want to be happy. I am a love fool. I really am. No matter what the situation I start trying to make it fit. . . even if it doesn't feel right because I want to love. I know that is definitely wrong. If someone is doing something that feels wrong to me. . . when do I draw the line? Why do I have to draw the line? Why are things things put infront of me this way. I wish they weren't.

A Prayer:

Lord if you truly want me to be strong. . . why do you keep tearing me down before I get there? Lord if you truly want me to be happy. . . why not give me peace? You know best Lord, if you really want my life to be better. . . make a way for this to happen without the pain. Just make something easy for me for once. Please Lord. Amen.

Wow!

Sorry I haven't posted in a few days. . . that's sorry to my loyal fans. It's October 2nd! Wow! I didn't realize it was October. I am typing slowly now so that I don't wake up Von. I woke up earlier than I realized and he was sleeping on the couch so I feel bad about coming in here but this is the only room with cable so I am left to type slowly so I don't wake him :)

It's been tough the last couple of weeks. Only getting paid a couple of hundred dollars a month has been impossibly hard. I have no money to buy food. I had to borrow some money to put gas in my car and to park at work because they make us pay up front then make it a whole ordeal to even get the money back. So anyway. . . that has been tough. Sometimes I wonder why I have problems like these. I was waiting on the lady from Bath and Bodyworks to call me back. I was hopeful about that job. I don't think it's going to pay all that much but at least if I can get another 800 dollars a month I will be making what I did this past summer which wasn't bad. I'll just be working twice as many hours. So life is tough in the financial area right now. At least if I run out of food I might lose some weight so that is fine.

I've been working on writing a lot lately. . . some drawing occasionally but I got into writing much more. Last night I came to my roommate and read her some of the story I've been working on having to do with living in sin. After I was done reading it, she said, "You know, you're a really good writer." I was so honored. I mean I went to bed just in a very happy state. I was already giddy for other reasons which I will explain in a minute but I felt so estatic. Just her words of encouragement meant so much to me. She says nice things to me sometimes but that was the most meaningful. I told her how much it meant to me. I am still excited about it. Like a little kid showing their parent their report card!

Well anyway, someone said to me the most wonderful things about relationships yesterday. . . I guess it was technically this morning. We were talking on the phone and he was talking to me about honor in a relationship and men and women's roles. He said how powerful a woman is. I she encourages her man he wants to go out and do more. I am just a fool. I tell people . . . I declare to the world that I hate men and I won't ever love another one but then it seems you find the most wonderful person. I confess he is a lot like my dad and I won't lie, I love that fact. He is filled with the traditional ways. He is native american and when he speaks to me I hear that old voice in him. He even says, he's 50 years behind the times but I say he's a 100 years behind the times and I love it. I was saying to him if I ever got married I would want to get married on the beach in a beach themed wedding but then he said, if I married you, I'd make your wedding dress. For some reason my heart was so touched by that and I was awestruck. All I could say was "Wow!" The entire conversation I just stood in awe of him. I mean I've never met anyone like this person. His ideas about God are real and I can relate to them. He respects God and he is probably one of the first men I've been close to that does aside from friends. I am in awe of this man. He will turn around and tell me something about himself that will make me want to run away, but then he comes back and makes me understand that if I looked at the outside of him and judged him for that, I would be passing up the chance of a lifetime for happiness.

So to all you people out there who think I'm a cold hearted bitch. . . I guess I just needed to find the right one. Unfortunately this person lives very far away. That sucks. We'll see what can be done about that.

Well I am going to do some research on the net to see if I can find a Christian publisher for me and my homie's new book. I've only got a few pages written so far but it's a great concept I want to stick with.

Later Yo!