Cutie Cuddley-Ness

Well I have a tad bit of news. I don't know if it will turn into anything but I can always keep my fingers crossed. I talked to Newell, that is the guy I am working for. . . never seen his face mind you but I've talked to him a ton of times and gotten to know another girl named Billie Jo who is new here. I guess he fired the other girl and it's kinda weird. Billie Jo and me showed up and then everyone was like. . . we think he is going to fire the other girl and guess what, he called her up and fired her. Billie Jo is a little overwhelmed. She is a 22 year old business graduate with 2 kids. I think that's quite an accomplishment. Anyway, she's smart. She'll probably have his place going in no time. Well I talked to him and he told me I could leave my resume and a phone number where I could be reached. I won't get my hopes up and I will keep looking but Billie Jo says she really wants me to stay. She is a really nice girl. She loves Jack LOL. He brought us both lunch today :)

Anyway, here is my new desktop in light of the cutie cuddley-ness. Agent Blueberry and her two seedlings:



Just to let you know I haven't forgotten about you guys!

I Could Make Wire People All Day Long

Well, Jack being his sweet self brought me chinese food for lunch. He also brought Billy Jo lunch and me a little Tazmanian Devil. . .yes the animal. Now I have an evil little pet. I think he is trying to tell me something. I am scared to touch the thing. It keeps hissing and growing at me. Anyway, I told Billy Jo he is just trying to impress her LOL. Anyway, I am sending her my resume so that if Newell is looking for someone she can give it to him. I've never met Newell and they say he is coming into the office today but most of the women here say he always says that but never does. I wouldn't mind working here. A boss you never really see. . . clients you probably won't see either LOL. Well I am supposedly on a lunch break but like yesterday. . . I feel like my whole day is a break. Anyway, it's cool. I am just going to sit here and chill. Maybe something will come up.

For All We Know. . .

I've been talking to Billy Jo about my time teaching and all my students. I miss them a lot. They were so wonderful . . . even through the headaches and frustration I still truly loved those kids. They were great. The hugs, the cards, the love. . . even the bad days. I look at pictures of them and realize how wonderful they were, but you can't go back again. Even if I stayed I would feel differently. . .I would still be frustrated etc. So to really appreciate it I had to leave. When I quit, they weren't my kids anymore and I was sad about that. My kids. . . my kids. I love those boys and girls sooooo much. Ironically that song: For All We Know by Rod Stewart (but it's older than that) just came on:

For all we know, we may never meet again. . .

Tomorrow may never come, for all we know. . .

It makes me sad. I left something that truly gave me happiness because of something that gave me true misery. It was for the best. Another year with them would have damaged those children. I was unhappy. My knee I just realized is bouncing out of control. Wow . . . I love those kids. I love them so much.

I just had to say that but I don't want to cry. Thanks for actually making me cry the other day Kalei and BJ1129. Those cards. . . the shirt. . . it was all so sweet. You guys I appreciate it. I was balling really. I miss my old life. . . but like I keep telling Jack, you have to start looking ahead. Don't look backwards. . . but I can remember. . .

Hey Billy Jo

Billy Jo is the other girl I'm workin' with and she is readin' my blog. I hope she doesn't think I'm too crazy.

We are Wireless! At least a little.

I have a temp job working for this lawyer (sp) filling in for his paralegal. It's pretty cool. But I have discovered they have a wireless network and I can get online! This is the best news to hope for. I hope I don't get in trouble for it. But it's cool. I am sittin' here with my IBOOK! BLOGGIN'!

Anyway, last night I had a hard time falling asleep because I saw these frickin' palmeto bugs. They look like giant cockroaches. . . you know the ones I'm talking about Kalei. Anyway, I was like freakin' out. I didn't want to go to bed. I kept asking Jack over and over again if they would bother me if I sprayed bug spray on me. So he said they wouldn't. You'd better believe that I sprayed that stuff all over me 3 times. Then finally I went to sleep but I woke up in the middle of the night and had the urge to shake my pillows off LOL. Yesterday my heartrate was out of control. That was another reason I had trouble sleeping but Jack rubbed my back until I calmed down. That's one of my 'things'. . . kinda like a baby. When someone rubs my back I can relax and fall asleep. . . well at least relax. He keeps pestering me to do other stuff and so it was hard to go to sleep totally.

He brought me some chocolate covered raisins. A big bag. This is probably not something I am going to spend a lot of time eating. Jack said that he was going to bring me lunch today. I forgot to make some while I was at the house.

The girl that is working for this lawyer also asked me how old I was yesterday. I said, why do I look 30 because of all of my grey hair. She said no! I was guessing 22! I thought that was funny. I feel like I look 30 but other people tell me I look younger?

Ah well. These people from Snelling told me they would fax over my time sheet. . . that is the employment agency. But they never did. I have to check the fax machine again. It gets boring here because all I do is answer the phones but I really don't do much of that. People call in every so often though.

I am upset with Kaleb. He has been watching me play star wars and he come to me one night and asks can he use one of my saved games. I say yes because to say no would me that he got all mad. Well I get so pissed off watching him do stuff like say. . .Have you discovered this? Did you do this? I was like, you couldn't have done it if you didn't use my games. Finally later on that night I said to Jack infront of Kaleb that I was pissed. He was like about that game? I was like yeah, I'm so angry. So Kaleb turned it off and stormed out of the room. While he was gone I erased all my games off the xbox including all the ones that he saved based on mine. I had offered to help him get there but he doesn't want to work for it. He wants to have me play so he can say he beat it. Uh no. That's petty I know but I was taking that game so seriously that it was pissing me off.

Jack said he'd get an xbox so I could play it. . . which I think is a waste of money but he wants to give back all the stuff that he has of Kalebs. Kaleb. . . when I first came gave us the gamecube. Now Molly is saying she wants to take it and sell it to one of his friends. I guess some indians really are indian givers LOL.

Jack's mom was talking about not going to Texas but now she is saying that she wants to go and she can't put up with this BS that Molly is throwing out there. Who knows. Well I am going to sign off of this thing right now.

Heretic Out

Tempin' for a Paralegal

This is pretty boring. Though the real job seems interesting. There is a red light on the phone. I don't know why. Oh, I piked up the phone and it went away. I bet I get swamped later but my phone lines have only rung a few times and I've only answered it once (btw. . . I didn't end up getting swamped LOL). I almost fell in this chair though. The phone rings but it's never my lines. The phone just rang, it was Verizon. Everyone says don't bother with it. Everyone is really nice, showed me the ropes this morning. I am in this huge office by myself. They said I may get yelled at by people and that his [this particular lawyer's] clients were the meanest. It's going to be an interesting 3 days. All in all I like it so far but I've only been here 38 minutes LOL. I am sure the day will get crazier (it didn't). It feels good to be working again (sort of). Though teaching felt like it had more purpose than anything I've ever done. My mom says that the world is not like that. You do what you have to to survive and hope there is some joy in it.

The filing system is overwhelming. Being a Paralegal seems like a tough job. But I guess all the good jobs are tough and only retail is easy. I wouldn't mind it thought it'd take me some time to get used to it. I asked the woman working here what it took to be a paralegal and she said an A.A. degree. Other than that these paralegal schools don't teach you anything. Well who knows. Though (phone run) - (not my line). In Cali you'd probably have to have something like a degree in it (Criminal Justice is what she said).

I wonder what I do if I need to go to the restroom. I feel like crap. I can't keep eating the way I have been and not exercising. I'll be 300 pounds before I know it. Geez. Georgia is killing me literally. Got a call - no message though :( I called Jack to bring me some lunch but I suppose I'll just walk around and see what I can find. I don't knew when I get to go though. I am tired. I shouldn't have taken that zoloft. I should have gone to bed earlier but I finally had gotten to the Sith Academy. Well I see this Snelling paper here agreeing to pay 12.07 per hour for my services and I wonder how much of that I am going to get. . . I am guessing 8 dollars but I hope more. When I yawn on this zoloft my head hurts back under my ears. It creates some kind of tension. I guess that's a side effect. I don't feel like reading. Brought Fellowship of the Ring. I can plan out my attack on that monster in the caves outside of the sith academy on KoTOR. Anyway, So far I've joined the Sith Academy. I went out and killed students that were hiding from the Sith. (They just told me about lunch here) Anyway, killing them gave me more dark side points but I am already all the way to the darkside. My character's face has changed too . . . it's soo cool. She looks hideous. So there is this beast guarding the caves there that I have managed to almost kill several times but I always or my party always ends up dead. The force doesn't work on it. The Internet! I found some cheat codes.

I could do this though, I mean I could do this times 10. This is nothing. I've done nothing yet (and pretty much didn't do anything). But I mean I could work in an office and dress nice (I did it two days in a row). It's not so bad. Got on a skirt now. I talked to Newell and got my first assignment to call a client and give them a message :)

I cut my finger pretty deep last night on a caserole dish. I'm eating some twizzlers cherry bits. I just called Newell [that's the guy's name]. I thing he was irritated that I asked if I should give him the messages as they come in, but oh well, he is a lawyer, he should be okay with explaining things to people clearly LOL.

It's 12:00 now, I'm bored w/star wars guides but I found a character developement worksheet which I'll start a new character with and play my current one with (:( Now I deleted all my stuff because of that selfish asshole of a little boy). There's supposed to be a McDonalds across the street. I'm freezing though. There was frost on the ccar all over this morning. I am so tired though, the cold might be good. My hand writing is horrible when I write for myself (perhaps because I spend so much time typing these days). I'm taking a nap when I get home, no I will stay up then I will have to go to bed on time because I will be exhausted (this almost worked). I already am. Not so many people are calling me as they said. I am so tired - - - yawning. I need to breathe more deeply. Jack just called anyway, I love 'force push'. It's this power that lets you push people down and cause them damage as well. Kinda like when Yoda pushed that stuff out of the way but it's cool. Since I'm dark it doesn't cost much to use shock or drain. These are cool. Drain keeps you alive, but the Jedi power 'cure' is cooler cause it heals everyone. I got stuck on one part because this beast was immune to my powers but the internet said keep trying because he can't resist it too long.

BTW, this is a post that was written on the little legal pads they have here. I didn't have my computer yesterday.

AOL and the Joys of Poverty

Well I just got that little note from AOL telling me they are pissed off because I'm broke. So. . . who knows when it will cut out and who knows when I will be able to post again. This sucks ass. This was the one thing keeping me going. Well adios. If I get the chance to post again, I will.

Just for Shits and Giggles

Merry Christmas!

It's 5:56

I suppose it's officially Christmas but I never count my Christmas eggs until they've hatched at 6AM. Well since I've become an adult, I have been more inclined to sleep in. Though, this year it's more like wow. . . why sleep. . . it's not like I've been working or anything.

Being drunk is a hell of an experience. I don't like the after effects. . . the getting sick. . . the spinning head stuff. . . but I figure I can drink a bit less and get less of that while still maintaining my euphoria. I decided to change my username on AOL to DrunkenHeresy. I love that hahahahaha. I gotta go to bed or something. 1 minute till Christmas and I am just now going to bed.

stuff

Kack is sleeping again, thhat's typical. that moethfucker damb howle.

Last person that....
1. Slept in your bed: Jack. . .don't telll
2. Saw you cry: Jack
3. Made you cry: jakc
4. You shared a drink with: myself
5. You went to the movies with: damn mayself
6. You went to the mall with: jack
7. Yelled at you: jack
8. Sent you an email: mrtip1
9. You kissed: jack

HAVE YOU EVER...
1. Said "I Love You" and meant it? yes
2. Gotten in a fight with your pet: no, i'm too afraid of them
3. Been to California: lived there 10 years
4. Been to Hawaii: no.
5. Been to Mexico: yes for a mission
6. Been to China: no SARS
7. Been to Canada: no
8. Danced naked: no. . . wait. . . yes
9. Dreamed something really crazy and then it happened the next day?: no
10. Wish you were the opposite sex: mhhmmm maybe
11. Had an imaginary friend: they never come to me. . . thiese amagincarey friends
12. Do you have a crush on someone: That's violtent
13. What book are you reading now: fellowsing of the ring
14. Worst feeling in the world: drowning
15. Future son's name: Lucas Elijah
16. Do you sleep with a stuffed animal: Jack
17. What's under your bed: nothing
18. Favorite sport to watch: soccr
19. Piercings/tattoos: i careved my exes anitals into my arm
20. Boyfriend/Girlfriend: who knows

EXTRA STUFF...
1. no extra...my name is heretic
2. Do you do drugs: whever the opproltuny arraixes
3. Do you drink: as often as possibel
4. What are you most scared of: failurre
5. What clothes do you sleep in: a pony
6. Where do you want to get married: i don't
7. Who do you really hate: aliens
8. Been in Love: is a sham
9. Do you like being around people: whichones
10. Are you for world peace: jpeace in the worlds thatis what's wronge togday
11. Have you ever liked someone you had no chance with: oh. . .tom hanks
12. Do you have a "type" of person you always go after: fuckerrs
13. Are you lonely right now: the kinge that noone can cure.
14. Song thats stuck in your head a lot: drug deling just to et high. . . stansh you money to teh game fly byy. . .i think tht is wrong.
15. Do you want to get married: maybe not
16. Do you want kids: eys

FAVORITE..
1. Room in house: toilet
2. Type(s) of music: jess or alternaitbe or ganstar ram or cddlasiical
3. Color(s): red
4. Perfume or cologne?: damb who knows
5. Month(s): fall
6. Stone: onesto throw

IN THE LAST 72 HOURS, HAVE YOU...
1. Cried: yes
2. Bought something: yes.....presents
3. Gotten sick: yeah...i'm a gturnk
4. Sang: yes...can't remeber the sonbt
5. Wanted to tell someone you loved them: no
6. Met someone new: no
7. Missed someone: yes
8. Hugged someone: yes
9. Kissed someone: probaqbly

Confessions of a Drunk

Well, I am sitting here typing but I am not even looking at the screen so we'll see how this comes out. Isn't that amazing that yopu can type without loooking? Well anyway, Jak is mad because I assked him to finished cleaning up the kitchen but when I clean the kitchen I clean up eerything and he says it like "yeah, WHEN you clean the kitchen". That rotten bastard. He makes it sound like I never clean up. I just cleaned up our room and swept up the shit he left htere. Fuck him. and his little dowg toto too. DMAN IT! FUCK! I can't tyhpe. I need another drink! I am still making a little too much since. . .no sense. Ithink.

Something Terribly Funny

Well, I had a dream about K last night. It appears this woman still plagues my dreams. Here is the story:

Somehow I end up in a car with her. She is in the front passenger seat and I am in the back seat. She is turned around and I am talking to her. But sometimes it seems as if we are at a table across from each other as well. Isn't that weird. Well, I say to her, "There are a lot of things I wish I could say, but I don't know how." Then she says, "I know, me too." And something to the effect of everything is alright. After that moment I get a feeling from her like I used to have about our relationship. I feel close to her and loving towards her. Then that part of the dream is over. I spend the rest of it looking for the BIG library at PCC but I end up in the little library at Carver Elementary in Raymond Mississippi. But it's not really the library from there. But all the other surroundings are there. The library looks different. Anyway, a guy is there following me and I throw something in his face. I can't remember if it's an accident or not. Anyway, then I wake up. . . wake up. . . wake up. . .

Well, I am taking this Zoloft stuff and it's making me feel pretty damn weird all the time. When I yawn it's like I am straining a facial muscle LOL. My hands are a little shaky when I am trying to type. I guess I know how my mother felt :( Life is so weird sometimes. Well it's Christmas Eve and I am going to play dumb. I wanted to get Jack a gift but I don't know what really. I have this money so I feel like I need to get him something but it's like that's all I have. I have nothing else. What if something happens. Well I can't type more. This medicine has got me fucked up.

Alcoholism, the New Chocolate

Well Jack is mad at me again. I mean this is the most ridiculous relationship I've ever been in. I don't know what to do. I almost desired to jump on the woman's leg and beg her to admit me. I went to the mental health clinic today with Jack. He just took me there. I went in and saw 4 different people, 3 women and 1 guy. The guy was the actual therapist but the women were helping me with paperwork. I came to the conclusion that living here is also a part of what's killing me. Last night I took some of that Zoloft and Jack and I did ok, then I had a fight with him. I was upset so I cut myself. I discovered an unsettling thing, I enjoy doing this. Now this is why I call myself the Heretic. People will look at me and think I am crazy for saying it but I say it because there are things that other people wish to say but they are ashamed. Yesterday I was angry and I wanted to take it out on something so I picked up Jack's father's knife and I cut up my arm. I am actually ashamed of it but I say it because of that fact as well. So I have these thin lacerations on my arm all over and it hurts a little. Jack saw what I had done and he yelled at me about it which was right to do I guess. Then he had the idea to give me the rest of the Jack Daniel's that was in the fridge so I could relax. Let me tell ya a day later I am still a little bit too relaxed. Every time I yawn I feel like the stuff that I ate this morning is going to fly out of my mouth. That's gross I know.

So I didn't get so drunk that I woke up with a throbbing headache or something like that. But this medication has helped me to lose my equilibrium. Which actually is kinda fun. So I have been stumbling all over the place. Last night was worse as I fell off the bed every time I tried to get on it. I had fun, I let loose. I have decided to become an alcoholic. It's fun. I won't over do it, I'll have a shot and a half of Jack Daniel's every night. Can you believe that's all it took. . . well there is a reason for this.

So here is my recipe for happiness. I call it, Assisted Suicide:

50mg of Atenol
40mg of Lisinopril
A shot and a half of Jack Daniel's Tennessee Whiskey
50mg of Zoloft

Now if you don't know why a shot and a half of Jack Daniel's does this to someone let us look at the science behind it. Atenol which is my blood pressure medicine, and Zoloft individually when combined with alcohol have a mad effect. Now try them together and then make sure that you get something strong like Jack Daniel's which is 80 proof and go with it. I am still walking on air but perhaps that's the Zoloft talking. I do know I have had to re-type all kinds of words because my fingers don't want to act totally right. Now I get it. Forget sugar. . . I'm an alcoholic.

Anyway, I also was holding out one of the checks my friends gave to me to save for when I needed it. Actually I was holding both. I don't have a job now so that was going to come in handy. I discovered that I can't get another bank account right now. That is not good. Now I thought I would just cash them but there is no Washington Mutual for 230 miles and I thought at least the other one was from Bank of America all this time. But really it was from her credit union so now I am really up the creek. Oh well. My dad has been holding on to my car. He says he won't sell it until I need it. Now this is interesting. I am telling him I need it and he won't sell it. Then he says well I won't send you all of it I will keep a cut since you were only going to sell it for this much. Well now I am telling him I can't let him do that. I don't know why he is trying to get over on me. I am going to call him today and tell him I need the money. Until then I will just keep self medicating with Assisted Suicide.

-Heretic Out

My Christmas Desktop

Christmas-Screen
Originally uploaded by comzikbrown.

Shh... Don't tell the CIA hahaha. To go along with my lack of Christmas spirit, here is the desktop from Hell.

Excuse Me, Did I Mention I Play with Dolls?

Yesterday in Wallmart I had a psychotic revelation. I was walking down the toy isle and I decided I want to start playing with dolls again. I can't afford any dolls really so I got the little cheap ones. They are barbies but they are mermaids. 2 came in the box with a little flower petal for them to live in. One is named Caprice and the other one is Bella. Caprice is my favorite because she has yellow hair and an orange tail. The flower is orange and green. They came with tiny little combs and a mirror and a sea shell that I can figure out what it is used for. They watched 'Hero' with me last night which was not all that I expected but pretty cool. I think of it more as a Kung Fu Opera than anything else. I enjoyed Snow's fight where the leaves were spinning around but the action. . . people always got killed and stabbed in a way that seemed easy to fend off. Anyway, I am uploading my desktop to Flickr so I can load it on here. I had fun with it but you'll probably have to click on the photo to see it clearly. I got the defective christmas icons and the cool folder names. On the reverse side, now I have a hard time finding my stuff LOL. Ji-had Joe is Hilarious. I gotta take my meds and get up. This is getting ridiculous.

-Heretic Out

Woke Up This Morning . . . Got Yourself a Gun

I am amused. This is the worst Christmas I have ever experienced. It's so jaded. I mean I get caught up in it too but at least I'm caught up in the giving gifts part. I mean come on! Jack just came in from grocery shopping and just like Jesus he has managed to feel 5 people with enough money to buy a semi-decent lunch. Oh, I forgot to mention, he also came in bleeding. He won't talk about it. Maybe later he will but there is a cut on his face and I am wondering what it is. I don't even know if he's cleaned it yet. That's something about him, he wears his injuries so that we all can see them (I just realized I seem to be the only one asking about them. . . maybe they are used to his pigheadedness or they just don't care. Anyway, Molly just went to visit their other sister and Kaleb says he has presents under the tree over there which is cool. But Molly keeps saying that she hasn't got her check yet so Kaleb doesn't have his Xbox. Now Jack thinks she has gotten her check. I am willing to bet money that Aunt Shelly ends up getting Kaleb an Xbox that is really from Molly. Look the fuck at me! Damn it! I am getting mixed up in this shit! What kind of Christmas is this with evil people who are greedy! Kaleb doesn't deserve a damn thing. None of us do but especially him. And Molly either. Jack's mom actually said to me, after I told her about Kaleb peeking in the gifts that she wouldn't put it past Molly! Can you believe this shit? This is fuckin' bull. I mean people. . . people. . . has the world birthed such selfish people?

Now Jack has told me the story. . . in his words. . . "I went over to Win-dixie and I needed the money. I knew a guy who owed me some money and he didn't want to come up with the money so I made him come up with the money."

Well there ya go. I am at a loss. On the plus side he did get jewelry cleaner so my Lord of the Rings necklace looks as brilliant as the day I got it in the mail. Oh well. The Sopranos is on now. I love that show. Ironically, I love that show.

-Heretic Out

I Thought I'd Seen Everything

Well I wake up, have breakfast, make Jack breakfast (but he didn't want it so I gave it to Kaleb) then I am watching TV with Kaleb when he picks up a piece of wrapping paper on the floor and hands it to me. It has a label on it that says 'To Jack, From Me'. . . me being me and not some other me. Well, that leads me on an investigation of sorts. I am looking at all the gifts with my investigative eye. I should be an investigator. Anyway, I came across clues:

1. Only my gifts had been destroyed
2. Only my gifts had been destroyed!
3. ONLY MY GIFTS HAD BEEN DESTROYED!!!

Kaleb goes into a fit saying he didn't do it. 'I always get blamed, blame it on Kaleb.' Yeah. I am like oooookay. But then I go back to Jack and take the presents back and tell him. Well, he says the cats did get under the tree this morning. Well okay, I would buy that except for one thing I discovered:

ONLY MY GIFTS HAD BEEN DESTROYED!!!!!!!

What the fuck am I supposed to do about this? Kaleb is going to deny it until the end. Molly will get mad because I am accusing him. But the one piece of evidence that remains is that ONLY MY GIFTS HAVE BEEN DESTROYED. Now they haven't been destroyed. . . in that, I am definitely overreacting. They haven't been destroyed. What has happened is that they have all been opened just a little to see what was in them. Bows gone, a carefully placed hole punched through, wrapping pulled off of the edges. See this is mighty damned interesting. These gifts look as though there was someone trying to figure out what was in them. So if it was the cats they are damned curious. I mean of course it could have been Molly but that would just be completely unbelievable. Well, this is what I know, Kaleb is an angry boy and he would never admit to doing any wrong. Even if he did, he would do it in such a way as to say, "I'm just saying this because you won't leave me alone." So I have no way to deal with this situation.

I have become about not fighting. I am trying not to fight in everything I do. Jack and I disagree but I try not to get heated and overreact. It's hard. With this Kaleb thing. . . I guess it's because I've been working with kids for so long and I have seen so many things. . . it just infuriates me. I think of this family in particular. . . the one with 11 kids. We all know which one I'm talking about. And how the mom just kinda leaves them to everyone else to take care of and even when other people try to help, she is too hard headed to follow their advice because she can't be bothered. Well it's similar here I think. Molly can't be bothered to deal with Kaleb. In some ways I think she may feel guilty but she doesn't realize that she is doing so much harm to that boy. SO MUCH. I don't think he should have gotten a single Christmas gift. She says her check hasn't come so she bought him the XBox even though she's already told him he will get it. She says her check hasn't come yet. Well damn. . . this is looking pretty fuckin' grim. I mean come on. Why tell the kid what you'll get him before you even know if you can number one. Number two. . . he doesn't need it. He has a game cube. He has a playstation2. What else does this ungrateful boy need?? Not a damn thing I tell you.

But I am sick. I have been getting ulcers over this family. I guess it's something to think about. Jack says soon we will be able to get out of this situation. . . soon. I hope so. My dad keeps offering me to move back to California to live with them. I think damn. . . hang my head in shame. I love and care about Jack but I am stressed everyday. What can I do to ease it? I am calling this clinic right now shit. Maybe they can give me something to relax myself. I hope so.

-Heretic Out

Three Things Questionaire by Me and Jack

THREE NAMES YOU GO BY:
1. Heretic, Jack
2. Baby Girl, Bear
3. Nina, Bubba

THREE SCREEN NAMES YOU'VE HAD:
1. TeKNoQuEEn, Demonbearrr
2. Jazmineglitter, Demonknight
3. Hereticalbrown, Demonseed

THREE THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1. I'm creative, I'm a facilitator
2. I'm book smart, I am great with weapons
3. I have a cute butt, I have soft and managable hair

THREE THINGS YOU DISLIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1. I don't see things through, My temper
2. I have no control over my emotions, Over bearing personality
3. My appearance, weight

THREE PARTS OF YOUR HERITAGE:
1. African-American, Native American
2. Irish, French?
3. Probably something else

THREE THINGS THAT SCARE YOU:
1. Drowning, Dying alone
2. Heart attacks, Heights
3. Money situations, The Ocean

THREE EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS:
1. Some Creative Outlet, A shower
2. A Book, Deoderant
3. My computer, Heretic's ass

THREE THINGS YOU'RE WEARING RIGHT NOW:
1. My red hawaii shirt, No comment
2. Underwear
3. My Live Strong Braclet

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE BANDS OR ARTISTS AT THE MOMENT:
1. Simple Minds, Black Label Society
2. Roxette, Insane Clown Posse
3. Billy Idol (totally 80s rocks!), Rammstein

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE SONGS AT PRESENT:
1. Speed Your Love To Me (Simple Minds), Still Born (Black Label Society)
2. Hate To Say I Told You So (The Hives), Fuck The World (Insane Clown Posse)
3. Ghetto Music (OutKast), Stripped (Rammstein)

THREE NEW THINGS YOU WANT TO TRY IN THE NEXT 12 MONTHS:
1. Anti-Depressants, Get Heretic Drunk
2. Losing a considerable amount of weight, Heretic's ass
3. Writing a book, Heretic's ass

THREE THINGS YOU WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP (love is a given):
1. Understanding, Peace of Mind
2. Trust, Spontenaity(sp)
2. Freedom, A lot of sex LOL

TWO TRUTHS AND A LIE:
1. This world confuses me, I love weapons
2. I hate 80s music, I love Heretic
3. I'm happiest when I am creating, I weigh 150 lbs

THREE PHYSICAL THINGS ABOUT THE OPPOSITE SEX THAT APPEAL TO YOU:
1. Dark Hair, Nice ass
2. Height, Medium sized breasts
3. Pointy Ears (Elf Joke), Cute face

THREE THINGS YOU JUST CAN'T DO:
1. Conquer my fear of dogs, Go a day without mad
2. Stop loving Cali, Go a day without rubbing Heretic's ass
3. Stay mad a day later (except for serious offenses), Get Heretic's underwear off

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE HOBBIES:
1. Blogging and reading blogs, Playing with sharp things
2. Writing/Reading, Trying to get Heretic Naked
3. Drawing, Getting shot down by Heretic

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO REALLY BADLY RIGHT NOW:
1. Stop feeling the pain of my stress, Have a million dollars
2. Win the lottery (at least a million!), Open my own shop
3. Really write quite a bit on my story, Take Peydria to a strip joint

THREE CAREERS YOU'RE CONSIDERING:
1. Art Direction, Mechanic
2. Graphic Designer, Cobbler
3. Teacher/Tutor, Woodworker

THREE PLACES YOU WANT TO GO ON VACATION:
1. Italy!, Scottland
2. Fiji, Japan
3. New England, Mexico

THREE KID'S NAMES
1. Scarlet Moon :)
2. Lucas Elijah
3. Wren

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE:
1. Find the secret to eternal life, Have fun
2. or Come to terms with death, Take care of my bills
3. Figure it out for myself ("Equipment" poem joke), Have a lot of sex

Can you guess who was me and who was Jack?

Scarlet Moon

'I Melt' came on just as I turned on iTunes. It reminds me of Sergio. I thought that was funny that it just came on. I have decided whenever I have my daughter or son what their names will be. . . and if I never have any children then I will steal some children and name them that. . . and if not, I will name a couple of dogs that. Anyway, I have decided it is better to be a lesbian and marry Jack LOL. Then if we have kids I will do that. Okay this is great, I will name my daughter Scarlet Moon and my son Lucas Elijah. I think those are the coolest names ever. I will write a story about Scarlet Moon :) A book! Poor Lucas. . . that is not an interesting enough name for a book. Maybe I have to think of another name for Lucas. I just met the cutest baby and his dad at the Apple Store. Lucas was a cutie. He was soft and cuddly and he gave me a hug. I loved it! I felt bad because other customers were waiting in line thought. Anyway, Scarlet Moon, that's my girl.

-Heretic Out

Never Get Better

Well it's quite certain that things in this house run a certain way and probably will never get better because EVERYONE is consigned to do nothing. That's the way it is and that's the way it's always gonna be. That's the attitude. Kaleb has a problem. A monstrous problem. So far he has begged everyone for things everyday for Christmas. Molly says he can't stand the excitement of Christmas so she tells him what he is getting for Christmas. Now she says that doesn't work because he just wants it even more. Sure kids do that, but I think that if I ever have kids, they are gonna know that Christmas is not about them. This is the holiday that I am starting to despise. I enjoy giving gifts. Getting them. . . well I actually think that I am growing out of it. I enjoy getting stuff but I enjoy more having money and that is something Christmas always stops me from having.

Christmas is coming, the goose is getting fat
Please put a nickel in the old man's hat

Boy, this child is going to end up having a hard life. But you know what, maybe some day, God will touch him and he will listen. I feel bad that he can't count on any of his family to do this for him. It's really a serious problem but I can see how Molly views me already. Earlier today I said to Jack that 'Spic n' Span' is a cleaner that you dilute with water and use. He used most of what was in the bottle on his mother's toilet when I would use maybe a capful to clean the whole kitchen. He said, "You don't know what this toilet was like." I said, "It doesn't even matter. Even if you put in two capfuls, it's still gonna be strong." Well Molly jumped in and said that, and I quote, "She has no idea, really she has no idea." This time though, I decided that I couldn't just say anything to the affect of, "You're right" because this is getting pitiful. So Kaleb came in and heard that Jack was going to the store. Kaleb wanted to go. Actually he was going to the nursing home to give his mom some dinner. Kaleb didn't ask to go though until he knew Jack was going to the store. This is alright. Well he asked to go and Jack said no. Kaleb ultimately got negative and started talking under his breath and complaining that he always gets left behind. This is slightly true. I mean things are different now that I am around Jack but we don't go out all that much. Anyway, he asked me, "Well, are you going with him too then?" He asked me this because he wanted more ammo to complain about. He wanted to light into the fact that Jack and I do stuff. Kaleb and Jack went out yesterday and hung out. He bought Kaleb stuff because if he didn't this boy would complain and complain and especially complain to Molly. Well anyway, today he says Jack never takes him anywhere. After he asked me, Jack, Molly, Kaleb, and I were all sitting here, I said, "Why do you want to know?" Of course like he always does, he says, "I'm just asking." I told him, in front of Molly that he was just asking to make himself more angry. Then I was telling him how he has to learn how to deal with things and not get so angry. He said many things where I could hardly make them out but I managed to hear, "I don't want to talk about it anymore." And this I found myself reaching for the good book . . . I said, "Well Kaleb, you don't have to listen, I'm just trying to give you advice. The Bible says, 'A wise man listens to advice but a fool follows his own way.' " This didn't go over too well and eventually he and Molly both left.

Fuck it. You can't help people who don't want to help themselves. God is strong enough to help them though. I don't think I am. I don't have the spirit to argue with such lack of care and learning. It's enough to hate the things I say but to also hate God's word??

-Heretic Out

What I Have. . .

Well I was thinking about these blogs and how they really keep me going and not missing my friends. It's cool. I love reading everyone's posts to Adinasi. It's cool . . . but I need to get offline and call the temp agencies today. . . gone are the days of wireless DSL. I miss it badly.

-Heretic Out

I am Feeling Trapped. . .

All problems point to Molly. I've been doing all this work around here and she is still bitching. Jack has been gettin' up and running around whenever she wants him to and she is still bitching. I spent all my time the last two days out there with Kaleb and she is still bitching. What the fuck is her problem? Last night Jack said she wants to drive a wedge between us so he can go back to being their slave. When we came in from watching his friends play Halo2 and seeing Christmas lights, Molly got up and shot Jack a look and then kissed his mom on the forehead in a very Godfather type way and left. I was sure she had been talking trash but you know she would never come out and say it. (I think my finger nails are what's killing my keyboard) I hate all this passive aggressive bullshit. I mean please. And Kaleb is the spoon in all this just stirring up trouble. I had been with this boy ALL DAY since I got up. Jack comes in and wants to take me with him and Kaleb gets pissed off. Of course Molly has said for him not to say stuff to us about it, but I guess that was just for show. So he stirs up all this trouble and Molly foolishly listens to him. Kaleb is supposed to have all these house chores and never does them unless you light a fire under him and even then he half does it but last night since Jack and I didn't come in and clean the kitchen (which I normally do or he does it when I don't feel like it) she got Kaleb to do it and he kept coming back to report to Jack what he had done. We were like. . . whatever.

Anyway, yesterday (well the day before) I cooked breakfast and cleaned the kitchen, no one offered to help. Molly once said, if you cook other people should clean up. . . I don't know where these other people are that she is talking about but I haven't found them. I don't mind this. Then I cleaned up the kitchen and cooked dinner. I even made it so it was virtually impossible to fuck up the kitchen to the extent that it's been. Then Jack cleaned it up that night. So Molly cooked last night and left everything out. When I say everything out I mean onions half used on the stove. Salsa spilled everywhere. Everything uncovered in this cockroach infested house. I guess she just expects us to go and clean up after her. FUCK! I always do it so I guess she should expect it. Well, fuck her. I am done with this servitude. I am not Cinderella. Let them clean up for a change. I hope Jack's mom doesn't ever start buying into her bullshit. Jack says she wants him to find the 3 of us a place which I can live with. I can live with that! But I worry that she might not want to leave her terminally ill sister. But you know what, Molly has it coming. I don't know what she wants but she is being a fucking succubus.

Molly is a Real Bitch I've discovered

What makes a terminally ill person?

I don't know. I am living here with Molly. I mean I guess terminally ill just means that you are going to die from your illness. At first I thought that meant that Molly was a helpless person that couldn't do for herself and needed people to constantly help her. I now realize that this is very untrue. Maybe I am thinking improperly but from what I've seen, these people, Molly being first and foremost would let this place get so filthy that you couldn't live here any longer. Jack says he's not like that but he never really does anything unless I fuss about it. I mean in his defense he says he's just sick of cleaning up after people. I understand that. I get like that too around here but I figure eventually that it will be me, no matter what who has to clean up so I keep at it. I said to Molly one day. . .

'The dishwasher is empty, you can just throw your dishes in there when you are done.'

Not two seconds later, I find that she has left the dishes on the counter with a nice mess to boot. Now, in my mind I am thinking, she is slapping me in the face with this one. So Molly will spill jelly all over the counter, leave out all kinds of things including raw meat. Molly is an interesting one. I get very pissed off. Kaleb, he is 14. I expect him to be lazy but a grown woman in her 50's? Jack's mom. . . well, she is never around to be too messy. She is usually exhausted from work. She will come from work. . . we are usually sleeping, and she'll go to bed. The most she leaves around (don't get me wrong, she doesn't clean up either, but I give her the excuse that she is the only person in this house working) is a coffee cup and a bowl or plate. I don't mind that no one cleans up but if I saw someone working that hard to fix something I wouldn't just try to make it worse. I mean I will clean the living room and come back 30 minutes later and the floor will look trashy. When I first vacuumed it seemed no one had done it for months. Well. It's cool. I just get pissed off that she won't even try. To not clean up is one thing but to slap the person in the face who is willing to do it is entirely another. Oh well. I don't mind cleaning. I just mind cleaning disgusting stuff. . . like . . . I can't even describe it.

Anyway, things are getting better on the Kaleb end. Molly is stepping up with him (at least when me or Jack are around). Still things happen like last night when Jack made some food and ate it all (it was quite a bit. I had a little of it). When Kaleb asked what it was Jack said it was chicken and it was all gone. Kaleb got mad because Jack didn't save him any and went and told Molly and she made him some too. Kaleb had already had dinner but he just wanted some because Jack had it. Molly made him some and complained to Kaleb so we could here that Jack shouldn't have eaten it all. Well I agree but still . . . the way she caters to him needs to change. He has stayed at home these past 3 or 4 days. It is outrageous. She let's him stay home. Since I've been here, Kaleb has been to school about less than a third of the time. It's completely ridiculous and she knows what she is doing is wrong too. She said, "Oh I can't go out to the store because I can't have Kaleb out before he is supposed to be out of school or I'll be in trouble. Jack said something today but I don't think she cares. Which means she isn't concerned that he get an education. She is only concerned that he gets what he wants. It's no my child so I don't care much. I choose not to.

Skip is trying to become my buddy. I said something to him and he walked up to me but I wouldn't pet him so he jumped on the couch and rubbed against me so I pet him and then he wanted to stay but I pushed him off the couch cause he has fleas.

I've been playing 'The Matrix' on Kaleb's playstation 2 and I love it! I play Naiobi's character. Him and Jack haven't been able to beat the game with her so I decided to try but I am playing it on Easy :( Jack is being an asshole. I think that I won't even go to bed tonight. Who wants to sleep with an asshole. He is upset with me and I am just irritated with his crassness. He left the house today with NO SHOES ON!!!! I mean, he wasn't going to the mailbox! He was going to his friend's house. Now this might not be so bad except for the fact that he has gone to the grocery store with no shoes on as well. Now he came in here and asked me what I was watching. I said 'The Scarlet Letter' and he said, 'Do we have to watch The Scarlet Letter' in this very whinny voice. So I threw the remote at the couch near him. I chucked it. He said, 'I've got a better idea' and he tossed the remote to me. I threw it back at the couch and he got his soda and went back in the room.

I am not going to go to bed tonight. I will stay up playing the Matrix, watching TV, or studying my spanish. There is enough caffeinated soda in this house to keep a small country awake for 3 days. Anyway. . . I am cold. . . it's unfortunate cause I need to go get a blanket out of that room. . . no. . . wait, I think there is one in the hall closet. I had to go into the room anyway. He kept his back to me the whole time I was there. It's alright. I will stay here tonight with the dogs. I am the yard dog. I am the one. It's not a big deal. I will stay out here tonight. I probably won't go to sleep at all but that is alright. He will probably no longer be angry in the morning and I'll have let it go.

Jack says I'm a lesbian. . . maybe I should become one. I'd have a few problems with that but oh well :(

-Heretic Out

Accidental Post by VJ1982 for Adinasi

I was changing my audio blogger settings so we could use it on Adinasi but I forgot to go in and change which blog I wanted it for. Oops. I am not deleting it incase something goes wrong with the transfer.

-Heretic Out

A Job For A Day or My Friend Dex

Well today I went out to 'Snelling', a temp service. I have been calling Manpower after signing up with them everyday for a week and they have given me nothing. I thought I would come out here and be highly employable but alas, that has not been the case. Now I also realize that I can't do a great brochure without quarkexpress and I don't think I can save that as a PDF either :( FROWN FROWN FROWN. My back is killing me. . . another one of those stress and bad health things. The McDonald's Dollar Menu is fast becoming my ticket to the grave. I will have to figure out that quark thing because I need to print a brochure and I would like it in that format . . . but unless I can save it as a PDF, it won't work at all.

Dex my friend with cancer who has been diagnosed terminal called me. He is a nice guy and I hate that such bad things are happening to him but all he says is 'keep praying.' I am like wow. Dex is currently living at a homeless shelter and has a parttime job. . . just enough to get by you know, and he says 'keep praying' when I am ready to throw in the towel on my faith whenever things get hard.

Keep Prayin'

Wow. . . he is an amazing guy. He wanted to know what was up with me but I didn't have much to tell so eventually I got tired of talking on the phone. He'd told me his update, and I'd told him mine. Then I was like, there is not much else for us to talk about but he says he might call me tomorrow or the next day. Jack was leaving when he called so that was cool. Though Jack probably wouldn't care about Dex anyway.

My back is killing me but I feel like going in the livingroom with everyone and working on my brochure. I am going to see if I can get Quark to be my friend right now.

-Heretic Out

The Unfortunate Loon

Well, I guess that this morning I had the equivalent of a nervous breakdown. It is unfortunate really. Jack is frustrating me right now by sleeping and not really doing what people ask him. . . like me for instance. Anyway, I was looking for some web hosting for a website. I would love to have another domain. I used to have one. . . actually I have had more than one domain in my time.

The nervous breakdown part has left me drained. I fear I am not strong enough to survive these things. I guess only God can know that for certain. I don't want to type more. My eyes are hurting.

-Heretic Out

New Format and . . .The Crazy House???

I am trying out something on my pages . . . just doing the short description and then you click the link to see the rest of the article. Let's see how that goes over. Anyway, I woke up this morning to Jack talking to me and before 2 hours had passed I was in a suicidal fit once again. I decided. . . well it came to me that I should call my mom and I feel a lot better. I never talk to my mom about that kind of stuff, but for some reason she was the only person I wanted to talk to today. I guess because she's been through it.

My stomach hurts off and on. It's been doing so for the past few days. I get that way when I am stressed. Stress does really kill you. From the inside out, you could say. I started listening to some Fred Hammond, a CD incidentally that KC gave me, but I have been able to look past that. It is one of those CDs that keeps me going when I am like this. Jack probably can't stand it. Though he is God fearing and is concerned about right and wrong. . . I doubt he would sit too long and listen to Gospel music. Heck. . . I wouldn't either before. Now I do a little but I am very selective about it. This is one that happened to touch me. I remember Leslie letting me copy her CDs and I am mad now that I don't have that iPod with those songs on it. I forget the title but I love that song: Hungry

Hungry I come to you, for I know you satisfy. . .

I am feeling okay right now but my mom says I need medical help. . . so does Jack and every other person that has gotten to know me. He says there is a mental institution close to here and it's funny. . . I almost want them to admit me or something. If I could admit myself without having to pay for it I would in a minute. Everything would be ruined as far as how people see me. They would come to know me as the crazy girl and not really as a person who had some good ideas but struggled. I love this part of the song from Speak These Things. . . Put me in a plaaace where I can see your face. . . I need to see your face. . . see your face. . . Anyway, I figure it's too late for that. Everyone thinks I'm crazy for just up and moving to Georgia. My mom does but she is okay now. She keeps telling me to come back to Mississippi. I don't know if I can. . . not unless I do get married. Then maybe things would be ok. I fret. . . too many mind.

My mom is telling me to tell the doctor I need to get on Lexapro. I am writing this because I want to remember and I am too lazy to find a piece of paper now so it will be on my blog for the whole world to see (not that they read this blog anyway). I just really need piece. I am going to really go looney. I was kicking and screaming today. Now if that doesnt' scare you. . . you probably are crazy too :(

Everyone makes life out to be about 'just surviving' but if that's all life is, it's not worth living I think. I thought there was some grand design God had. Does he just want us to survive and praise him? Is that a real purpose? I don't know. I am lost. I gotta call this temp agency though so I gotta get offline (fuckin' dial-up).

-Heretic Out

Too Many Mind

Too Many Mind

I just got finished watching the last episode of Sex in the City and I think it was great. I am glad Big and Carrie got together. You find out, his real name is John! I think that's pretty funny. I never knew. I don't know if they ever even said. It's cool. Carrie was in Paris. I will probably never go to Paris. I am thinking of a metropolitan lifestyle like hers. I always dreamed of it. I think of living single in a studio apartment for the rest of my life and think. . . there is nothing wrong with that. I actually don't see myself as married with kids. That would disappoint my family and Jack I imagine. He is important to me. . . but I don't know. How do I reconcile one feeling or lifestyle with another? I love that city life. I always have. I have always wanted to move to New York since I was a little girl. I thought to myself, this place is where it's at. New York, where life moves at the speed of light. If i could live in a brownstone studio apartment, something nice like Carrie had, I wouldn't mind it one bit. I love that lifestyle. But then, I come back to the fact that I'd always feel lonely. I would always feel lonely. I don't know why I can't get over that feeling. Perhaps it's human nature. I would always feel lonely.

But then, do I really want to be married? I ask myself that. I get caught up in a moment and I am sure, marriage is the way to go. I want kids after I finish talking to my cousin who has a son. I want a picket fence. I want a big white house with the curtains that blow in the wind. I want a golden retriever. . . yes I want a dog. I mean I want those things but honestly, I don't know. Maybe that is not my path. The only thing that makes me think it is, is the fact that I have no direction. Maybe a family will give me direction and purpose. Maybe I will have a family and end up leaving them because I didn't want it in the first place. But I couldn't do that. Maybe I would get stuck in a situation that I didn't want to be in.

A Dream Scenario . . .

I see myself in my own apartment. A house is too much trouble. Even a condo if I got lucky and struck it big. So I have my own place. Everything is mostly white and natural wood. . . real wood, not that fake stuff that you put down but that nice semi-dark beautiful wood. I can see that. Some very nice things. A nice television where I can always watch whatever I would like without worrying about what others wanted. I could be an old maid. I could live in that beautiful apartment (or even house maybe) and have my own bedroom. In fact my dream scenario I have a house with a couple of bedrooms. . . maybe a second floor. I always love the second floor, but I think alone I might be afraid. That's why I would probably do better in an apartment. I'm sitting on my white couch because single people can have those, and I am over my light tan carpet, legs folded under me on the couch holding a white mug of hot chocolate. There are marshmallows in it. I am smiling. My hair is straightened. . . these days I have done nothing to it short of comb it into a neat afro. Jack likes it anyway. So I am sitting in front of a television but it's not on. I have a smile on my face. My living-room has bookshelves everywhere. I have many books of all kinds. My kitchen is mostly white too. I love this vision. Who knows where it is. (Why White, I don't know)

A Different Dream Scenario . . .

I think about possibly a life on the countryside or somewhere in a very very small town. I would probably hate it if it's too small. It's me, I'm wearing a country style dress, maybe an apron, who knows. I'm smiling running out to pick up some of the children's toys from the yard. Yes there are kids. A little girl and a little boy. The girl is about 5 and the boy maybe 3. They are probably at school. They aren't in the picture now. In that scenario I also picture me with my daughter cleaning out pumpkins and making halloween decorations. We are laughing and smiling. Where dad is, I don't know, but I know he is around somewhere. Maybe at work. My son is a smiler. Everything is a smile. But then I think, this is sweet but these aren't my kids, hell I have a hard time picturing them black like me. Geezus. I don't know what's wrong with me. Does that mean that this is the Scenario that isn't for me? I don't know what I want.

How do you find out what you want out of life? I don't know. I guess by living but living has brought me nothing but questions. I got through times where I think I know, then I come back on it and find out, all I had from the beginning was questions and all I wanted I'm not too sure about it. It's amazing, Jack just flipped to The Last Samurai and Tom Cruise is trapped there (great movie, by the way) and he is talking to the Samurai leader about General Custer. Then he yells once he gets angry, "What do you want from me?" and the man responds, "What do you want for yourself?" He goes on to say, from the moment they wake, they devote themselves to the perfection of whatever they pursue.

What is it I wish to pursue? I like creating. That is the only true thing I can say. Is a baby just another creation to be made? I don't see myself with a 14 year old. I don't see myself with a husband or grandkids old and grey.

Here's another line from the movie, Too many mind, mind the people watching, mind the enemy, too many mind. No mind. The man I guess is saying that his mind is on too many things. I guess that's how I am. My mind is everywhere. What will people think of me if I do this? Why is this person looking at me like this? Is Jack upset? Am I gonna die tomorrow because I didn't take care of myself? Will Jack die tomorrow for the same reasons? Am I gonna be able to find a job? Will I make enough money to pay back my debts? I go outside and I'm afraid of what is lurking in the dark. I am afraid of what is lurking everywhere. Will I fit in? Now this family is talking about moving to Texas which I am fine with but Jack has told me me, him, and his mom were going to Texas but it seems the whole family is moving. I actually don't guess I mind. I just don't know what to do with myself. Do I look left or right, do I look down or up? I have no clue of God's will. I don't know that he directs me at all. Maybe I am too much of a sinner for that. My brother says so. I do not know how to be. I only do what comes next. What should I be; I am not sure. Too many mind. That is me for sure. Too many mind to make a decision. What will change me? What will be my answer?

Maybe I will end up pregnant and married by default and I'll be happy with that. My greatest fear is that I will come back to it, this idea that I might have wanted something else and it will be too late. It will be too late. So what do I do? Sit here paralyzed at 26 almost 27 and do I decide on nothing or do I go with the flow as Jack has said? I believe things flow the way you would have them flow so to go with the flow is to also know what you want. I get so frustrated about not knowing what to do. I get so damned frustrated. My stomach even now is killing me from the stress of it. I can't stand it. What do I do with my life?!??!! People in this world have purpose. I know I should serve God but I am not confident. I am not one of those people like Mrs. KC that hears God talking to her and has his will in her mind (if you know this person you are laughing at this point). What God wants for me, I can only decide, is not yet revealed.

I once took a personality test that aligned me with Hitler. I wonder about that. Am I a person who could lead people? Is my destiny greater than I can imagine because I cannot imagine it? I feel arrogant to even think of such a thing. Perhaps my destiny is less than I could ever imagine. That is also a possibility that I fear but somehow it would do me good to even know what I am destined for. I have no clue.

I noticed today that the ring that Larry bought me is missing one of the sapphires. I am sad about it mainly because I hate wearing ghetto stuff but I have no other ring. I also think it is the truth of the end of something. I have no thoughts today that are clear. I am blinded, by what I do not know. Too many mind.

My Ass

Jack loves my ass. If he tries to grope it anymore I will have exema (sp)

The New U2 Album Sucks!

It sounds like a bunch of wanna-be 'World Peace Hippie' shit. I just thought I'd put that out there. Tawlk amongst ya selves.

Anyway, If you guys haven't noticed my blog roll list, check some of those out. They are pretty damned interesting. I started reading Bring Them Home and they have a post up there called Support Our Troops? I thought this was a real trip. Check it out. I've come across some interesting sites. I never was interested in reading other blogs, just writing my own but now that I am not in Cali anymore, it makes me feel sort of in touch with the rest of the world. As we all know, California is the rest of the world and it will always be my home, but alas, I am here. Things seem to be looking up with Jack. I have a doomsday perspective on everything so I won't discount the fact that maybe, this crass-humored, knife-sharpening, snorlax (you should hear him wow!), is the right guy for me. I still think I am doomed to be alone but I will let nature take it's course. We'll see what happens.

-Heretic Out

Just When You Think. . .

Do not worry about your life, what you will eat or your body, what you will wear. Life is more than food and the body more than clothes. - this is from Matthew I think. I can't remember. I have not the desire to look it up right now but I remember that one of my students had to say that whole passage for a competition. I think about that passage from time to time and I think I am in the middle of a situation much like that. I tend to worry. I worry what will happen about my IRS situation, I don't have the money to pay it back yet and I don't have a job. I could just call them up but I have done that before and I am afraid their patience will run out. I am worried what will happen with me and Jack. I sometimes am afraid he will have us living in hovels. But I realized something yesterday. . . and today. . . He is more of a good man than I give him credit for. He may not be the romantic spirit, he may not be the most cultured of men, but he would do anything for me and he would make sure I was taken care of. I may not be headed for luxury. I may never own a house. . . probably if I did, it wouldn't be anything to write home about like my dad's house, but as I sit here in this place, a house they rent, probably about 600 dollars a month for a 3 bedroom, I think, this is not so bad. I spent all day cleaning this place and I was happy to do it. I was on a mission and didn't stop until I was satisfied and all areas of the house that I use were sufficiently clean. I sit here in the living room and it is almost spotless. . . some papers and things I couldn't know what to do with. But I think, this is not so bad. I have everything I need here. If Jack and I had a place like this, I shouldn't worry about things. In fact if it were smaller and we could save money, I should be happier than ever. He promises me that all the things I worry about, my finances, he will help me take care of. He will help me get through school. In some ways I think, I don't want your help. I have to take care of this stuff, it's my business, my problems. On the other hand, it is a comforting thought to not be alone in this world with my problems.

I am watching Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World. I went to the movies with Sergio and Ronnie one night. We went to see the Last Samurai. Then they wanted to theater hop. I am the nervous type but I got into it and Master and Commander was starting in the next theater so we went. Well they were so bored with it. . . Sergio kept bouncing his leg, one of the things I hate that he does in the movies and Ronnie commented that it was lame so they wanted to leave. I earnestly wanted to see what would happen so I was frustrated that they decided to leave. Of course I had to leave too then. Anyway, here is my chance to see it. I am so full it feels like. I ate a grilled cheese sandwich like 2 hours ago. Just now I ate an apple and an orange and had a caffeine free coke. It chafes my hide that this is the second time that I bought non-diet caffeine free. They make them look almost exactly the same. Both gold cans. It pisses me off.

The Two Dogs

BTW Russell Crowe has no ass. Ah well.

Anyway, the two dogs of this house are Skippy. . . a black and white Japanese Shitzu (however you spell it) - he's kinda cute. And Precious, a whitish (she might be white if she was clean) Shitzu. (Kaleb just came in and asked could he watch 'Bad Santa' at 9:00 :( I told him he could even though this doesn't go off until 10:00. This is why I want my own place. I can say what and when without hesitating.) Anyway, Precious is a cutie in a 'get away from me mangy dog kind of way.' She has a total of 3 legs. Now wait, I should say, she was kinda cute the way Shitzus are before Jack shaved her head. Now she has this big fuzzy body and a head like a large rat. This is pretty damned ugly and it makes me want to laugh every time I look at her. Skippy is trying to become my friend, and I would love to bridge the gap but they have FLEAS! He is pretty sweet. He will come and sit right up against me or lay at my feet depending on where I'm sitting but most of the time I will move. I am sure I have fleas already. I keep finding them in my bedroom. Well Precious and Skippy like to fight. It's so funny. They will just attack each other. I guess they are bored.

Now there are cats too but recently they have been forcing the cats to stay outside. There is Emmy Lou. . .she is the most daring of them. She'll jump in the refrigerator if you don't close it quick enough. Then there is Soxy Cleopatra (named so after Foxy Cleopatra in Austin Powers: Goldmember), and then there is the Orange cat, he is a boy, Tuffy but I just had to ask what his name was, I always call him Henry for some reason. He looks like a Henry. They are a bit bitter that they have been kicked out of the house so they keep trying to get back in. Especially Soxy Cleopatra and Emmy Lou. Well Master and Commander isn't too interesting. (Precious is whining now because she is itching from the fleas. She keeps barking too. It's funny). I do like the classical music on Master and Commander though. It's cool. They are stopping at the Galapagos Islands which I think is a place (if I was more stout of heart - the british is rubbing off), I would love to explore.

I talked to my dad today. He called me early this morning. . . well, early for him. I think it was 6:30 his time. He talked to me while Jack was harassing me so that was batting him away during most off the conversation.

Jack just came in and said his friend Fox sucked some asbestos into his lungs and he's been coughing and wheezing and throwing up. So he just came from there. I think he is worried he will have to go to the emergency room.

Jack I am starting to see. . . with certain people is a bit of a swindler. He is regurgitating stuff that he heard at dinner last night to Molly trying to tell her since China bought out certain parts they are really expensive. That is such bullshit but I guess he is always trying to make her feel like she is on top of things but it's not really true at least that part of it. The dogs were fighting close to me, and they scared me. They get so growly and fussy. That's alright. They are excited to see Jack's mom. She's been sleeping. She is about to go to work. She works nights.

Well, I am bored with blogging now. I am going to get off of this computer. It's getting hard listening to people talk and typing at the same time.

- Heretic Out

This is what Jack posted on my hardrive where I save my blogs that are in progress. He got a hold of it:

Well hello this is Jack i'm a lot of things in this old world. I'm sorry baby girl, I'm just sturborn. I do need to give you space. The old saying is you can't shit a shitter or con a conman. I wrote this to say the balls in your court. I'm sorry I wronged you I'll do right by you always caring - Bear

Beautiful Island Trip with a Pigheaded Bear

I don't get it. I tell Jack something and I think he hears me and then, he does the exact opposite of what we talked about. Today we went out to St. Simon's Island. Everything was beautiful. Sort of Southern meets island type of place. Very wealthy and very nice. Sort of like Santa Barbara with more trees (so a bit darker). Anyway, we drove around. We were kind of already at odds because we had gotten into it earlier. I was asking him to get up and take me around to some places I wanted to apply to. He says, "I'm about to get up anyways." So he stays there. I ask him again and he says, yeah I'm about to get up. Then he goes and takes a shower (after about 30 minutes). Finally he goes and gets in the bed again. I ask him again at 12:30 if he is going to get up. Then he says, I've been thinking. . .you probably don't want to go to those places. We'll just wait til monday to go to the other employement agency. I was very pissed off. So I left and he says "I'm going to just start doing what I'm told. I'll take you to the employement agency and then if you want to go to the other places we can." So I am thinkin' . . . it'd be great if you did what you were told but you don't. Anyway, we go to the agency but they aren't even open on Fridays so I gotta go on Monday anyway. We didn't end up going to the other places even though I hinted that they were close by. So he wants to take a drive around St. Simon's Island. I cheer up and say ok. We go around. He hardly is talking and I am just commenting on how nice it is.

We buy some fruit and go out to the beach. Picture something like a coast with all rocks and no sand. Anyway, I guess they do have a beach further down. . . I will get to that in a moment. Anyway, we go out and I mention all the birds. He asks me for an apple to throw at/to the bird. I think at but he was saying he was going to give it to the bird. I said don't do that. So we go sit down. He said he was going to feed the birds. I said, don't do that. If you want to give them something wait til we leave because they will swarm around. I am happy. Everything is nice. The water is cool. I love water. The sun is setting. I turn around and birds are swarming overhead. I look at Jack and he is throwing the birds food and laughing. I starred at him for a moment and I tried to keep from cursing because a little girl was walking by. I fuss and start walking off. He ruined a perfectly good moment. I even for a bit tried to get used to the birds but they just kept coming. I was nervous about it. Anyway, I am walking down the pier and decide to go ahead and salvage the afternoon by being cool. We walk over to a walk way and I say, "Let's go walking." He sits down and says, "No." Well if you know me, this is not the correct answer to give. Anyway, I keep pestering him to go for a walk and he says, "I can't be walking around here with all these cops." I give an exasperated sigh and ask him why not. He won't explain. Finally he says, "I haven't taken my pain medication." So this is something different. Jack is a big man and he takes those pain medications because of his leg and knees I guess. They hurt because he was in a bad accident and had to get part of his leg removed (I sure can pick 'em). Well I am too pissed off by then to feel sorry for him. I am always talking about excercising and he agrees but when we get the opprotunity he doesn't do it. So I am boucing my knee in that, 'I want you to know how pissed I am' way. He gets up and walks off. He waits for me a while but I just sit there and then he goes further down the "beach" and sits down. I sit there for a while getting more pissed by the second. I get up and start walking towards some of the little shops they have out there and he calls my name really loud. So I stop. I wait on him walking to come to me. Finally when he gets there we just get in the car and don't say anything. He drive off. It's nearly dark. He stops to get gas and comes back. He asks me if I want to drive. I tell him no. We'd seen a park a bit before and I asked him to stop to once again try to salvage the evening and he said, no we should just go on home. So we end up at this station. I started thinking and decided to drive back to the park. We get out there. It's dark. I am on the playset. I ask him to come up there with me and he says, 'No.' I keep asking him and he says, "I don't want to." When I ask him why not, he says I just don't want to. Of course me. . . I can't let this go. I keep asking him and he just keeps saying he doesn't want to. I get pissed off and get in the car telling him to drive home. Well, the drive home is a fiasco. He can't find the way to get off the island and ends up saying. . . "See that's why I wanted to go home before dark." So now I am really pissed, "Oh, so now it's my fault. You just said I could go where I want to go." After that we didn't say a word till we go home. I still haven't said a word. What the fuck is wrong with him? I mean is he that . . . geez. I don't get it.

He keeps getting mad at me saying I am being difficult. I finally see that this is not what I expected. I expected us to have problems but not this ridiculous. This is what most days are like. Then when he gets pissed off he just sits in the living room sharpening his knives. I am like whatever. It would probably suit me to get a job and find an apartment out here. Just be alone for the rest of my life. I don't think I am asking all that much and I except a lot of his crassness. Why can't he get a clue? Geez. I am starting to think I just want to do that. Get a job and get my own life. Screw a husband, screw a boyfriend. What are they good for? What's the point in trying to make it work? They just give you a fuckin' pain in the ass and you gotta put up wiith their shit and make them feel good. . . feel like a man. What the fuck do I need a man for? I felt like punching a hole through the glass of the car. I love Georgia and I will probably try to stay here but me and Jack. . . we don't connect. He loves me but he can be such a fucking asshole sometimes. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!!! WHY DOES EVERYTHING I DO GET FUCKED???? I am probably going to end up killing myself. Seriously.

Buddy Chat With Friends! and Etc.

Well I was talking to all my friends online and that made my day! I love the internet and it makes me feel like I am still right there. I makes the world so much smaller. Sometimes that's good like in this case, but sometimes it's bad like in some cases I don't feel like thinking up right now.

Today I went through the Brunswick phone book and discovered an anomaly that I am not sure you would find in say. . . an L.A. phone book. The computer related businesses out-number the churches 10 to 1 LOL! I went through and looked for numbers of computer places. About half of the ones I found had numbers that were not inservice. Then at least 4 of the ones that were left were home businesses. So I did the thing that I have been very unsure about. . . I called some educational places. Now I am not sure if they will hire me because I have no kind of child certification anything, but I will try. . . maybe a T.A. or something. Hey, it's money. Then I could get a frickin' part-time job. I could see it now though. . . Jack would probably forbid it LOL. As if. But that's what I am doing tomorrow. Taking my resumé around to some places.

Jack was cheating at Magic The Gathering today. It pissed me off when he told me because I was mad the whole game cause I was just fighting to stay alive! Then he tells me he is cheating. For 10 minutes after the game all I could say was, "You ain't right." But not in a southern drawl kinda way, but a California cool kinda way.

I have been trying to hold on to my Cali accent as much as possible. I said that to Molly and she say. . . 'haha, you're already getting a bit of a southern accent.' I was completely pissed off. Now he is playing Rammstien when I said, play something quiet. He changed it though.

I should go to bed but I am in this pattern of staying up late. I hate it. But I always feel like I am going to miss something out of life if I go to bed. . . I could be doing something else fun you know. That reminds me of that question on that 'What Famous Leader Are You'Test I took. It asked, on a scale of 1 to 5, Fun is the most important thing in life. I put 5. Even with that, it still told me I was Hitler. That was lame. Anyway, I guess I'd better go to bed now. My back is hurting in this position.

Addicted To Blog Rolling

I have been hitting that little 'Next Blog' button for the longest time thinking. . . I am going to miss out on some really cool blog if I stop clicking it! My eyes hurt. This is what I do in Georgia. If there were no blogs I would probably die of boredom. It's my own fault. There is stuff to do but I just don't feel like it. I might go clean up somewhere or something like that.

In Other News!

Do you know what people are using blogs for??? I mean I think it's amazing I can hit that 'Next Blog' button and come across 5 non-english blogs in a row. That's neat. But do you know there are porno blogs??? I started to Blog Roll one incase you didn't believe me but that was bad so you'll just have to believe me or go looking for it yourself you dirty bastards (ahem)

- Heretic Out

My Luuvely Cousin and Air Conditioning

Well this link above goes to my cousin's site. I kept complaining that bugs were coming in through the fan in the room I am in so Jack went and got me an air conditioner. It's wonderful! I love it. I don't feel like blogging much but I am so happy everyone is always writing stuff. I feel like I am still around. I have Von, Tip, Sergio, Harambeeondokewa, and my sites on my Safari bar up here. It's funny, sometimes I will go to my own site just to look at it. Especially Princess Lomé. Toneasha has a site. That is the link up above. I think I put it wrong on Harambeeondokewa. Anyway, this is all. I've been cleaning up. Woke up at 7 and again at 2pm today so that sucks. Me and Jack stayed up all night playing Magic. He bought me some new cards. It's a samurai deck. I told him not to but he insisted. Geez.

- Heretic Out

The Fight for EST!

I have been trying to make this damn blog stamp my time EST but it kept reverting to Los Angeles time. Finally I hope it will stay so I don't have to keep posting and you guys think I am posting at 10pm when it was really 4am. You see what kind of problem that is???

- Heretic Out

TurbanPhonereps.com

Well, I thought it would be fun to republish my blog as similar looking to www.turbanphonereps.com. If you know me you know who I am talking about. It's not really Turban Phone Reps LOL. I think it's funny. I went out job hunting today and was conflicted about listing the school's phone number on my application. I am thinking, that bitch will probably try to screw me over. But if so, fuck her. There are a hundred frickin' agencies out here for employment. I ran into some banking troubles but I expected that. I want to stab a knife through my torso because I am in pain. I like to go to Turbanphonereps and post comments. I find it interesting but then I just go and get pissed off all over again. I was lookin' at pictures of Micah and thought. . . she looks so much like KC that I almost hate her too :( That was a bad thought.