No Subject - oh wait, salmon recipe way below

Jack bought me an Xbox. I didn't think he should. I am thinking about selling all this stuff that he buys me! LOL. Nah, I am too addicted to playing Knights of the Old Republic II right now. Maybe when I beat it. I called around to all the schools but of course nobody needs anyone this time of year. I am going to fill out that long ass Walmart application soon enough. . . .maybe now if I can find it online. That's what I'm doing. Nothing much else to report. Haven't been feeling well but everyone else is still benifiting from my cooking and cleaning. True gems these people are. I am reading the Great Divorce and I try to think about it and some of the songs I listen to (the christian ones - which is more than I usually do surprisingly) and I try to think about my responses and my true feelings . . . meaning what they should be. I am too tired to be very theological about it but just trying to be nice . . . and actually mean it.

Oh, Kaleb and Helen whoo. The other day Kaleb threw a fit, he picked up one of the cats and chucked it out of the door like I throw a soccer ball down the court. I mean that poor can flew and I was sure she was hurt (his grandmother's favorite cat too). He did it because the cat was annoying him but he was already pissed off that Jack gave me an Xbox. So he was at school and Helen was up discussing his recent behaviors. She hadn't been around when the whole cat thing happened so I told her about it and she got ultra pissed off. So she goes to talk to Kaleb about it. I didn't hear much of this argument. I had only woken up and I wasn't going to go out there in the middle of it. Well, she was trying to talk to Kaleb and he was showing attitude telling her she couldn't treat him that way (I am like wow. . . I would have never said that to my mom. I wasn't an angel but I wasn't that stupid either). So Helen gave him a good slap across the face. Then he reared up like he was going to hit her (60- something year old woman now) and she said oh no, who do you think you are and she slapped the boy so hard he hit the ground. I was like whoa. He was quiet all that day and when I came out he came out holding his face. I think because he thinks I have always been in favor of being nice to him. But no, I just tell people they shouldn't treat him in certain ways. Not people but Jack. So he kept rubbing his face but I had already decided I wasn't even going to venture down that road. Interesting stuff.

I have found a great way to cook salmon. . . Leihulu, this is for you and Agent Blueberry if you ever are craving it. Tons of points I am sure but it was good. I took one of those big slabs of salmon and I put it in a deep dish pan. . . you know like a baking one. I put foil in it first. Then I heated up some chicken bullion cubes in about a cup of water. . . maybe a little more. . . Then I actually rubbed some pepper and whatever other seasonings you like. I just put on whatever smells like it goes with fish and I rubbed butter onto it. Then I poured that chicken broth in the pan. You can pour it over the salmon if the mixture is not too hot but it doesn't matter. I wrapped the foil around it so it's all sealed off and baked at like 375 of whatever I thought of at the time. This is the way I cook and it always turns out good. Oh, 99 percent. Anyway, that was some of the juiciest tasty-est salmon. Jack's mom and Jack too. . . they LOVED it. Wished we had another slab :)

Okay! Here is My Finished Picture!! And. . .

Here is the finished product! Hit me up and tell me what you think! It is my very first computer rendering. . . makes me think I could practice a little more and get GOOOOD at it :) Scroll down to see my favorite character that I have started work on.



Cassandra. . . I am working on a story. . . I know useless hobbies. I remain hopeful that someone will buy my ideas some day (from me. That's why you won't see too many of my actual story ideas on here :)

Confessions of Non-Christian Thoughts

For the past two days I have been up and about by the time Jack's mom came home from work. Actually I hadn't gone to sleep. . .my day sleeping patterns continue. So I am up usually until 9 or 10 am and sleep until 5. Oh well. On to the confessions. She comes home and says, thank God, Molly is going to probably be coming off the respirator today. Of course I am thinking, things suck around here but with her around they are down right fucked up. I feel like when she comes I am going to have to be running around serving her because she can't be bothered to ask her selfish grandson to do anything for her. Helen has been frustrating me too. She keeps saying, 'We need to do this. . . " and I can hear in her voice that it's more like 'You need to do this. . . '. We need to clean the garage out. We need to do all the laundry down there. . . now, all the laundry down there would probably take 3 days of back to back washing. I don't feel safe because the garage door is off and like red-necks do they have a sheet wired up there. Jeez. . . .I thought living in the pink house was embarrassing. That was just a joke. This is serious. There are other black people in the neighborhood. . .ghetto fabulous most of them but the people across the street have a decent house, nice cars and they don't ever seem to be running around being loud or anything and most importantly of all the people in this house don't know them so I figure they are pretty upstanding people. Anyway, I am thinking to myself, damn, those people look at me, another black person and think, man, you are low. I am out with Jack and I see other african american people and I worry, what are they thinking of me. . . just trash or something.

I don't know, anyway, my non-christian thoughts were that Molly would never come back. But really, I don't want to be here so it doesn't matter if she comes back. I am calling the school tomorrow to see if they'll hire me. If not, I am going to walmar-te. Whatever, whatever, I do whatever I want (if you don't recognize that, watch the episode of south park where cartman is dressed like a woman on jerry springer LOL).

I was angry most of the day. Helen was sending Jack shopping. I went because I needed some feminine stuff. So I go, I am planning to help out with the shopping. I made the list for Jack. We get there, he sits down by where the shopping carts are and never returns until we get to the cash register.

Geez. I hate him. That is my second very unchristian thought. I look at him and I can barely stop myself from screaming it. I hate him. When I first met him he was very nice. I remember that Jack so differently. But I knew what I was getting into. Slowly it started. His real personality started to leak out. He would throw tests at me to see if I really liked him, but they weren't tests of any kind of good nature, it was more like threats. But still the ball had started rolling already. I knew he was jealous of my time. I couldn't do anything but come home every night and talk to him. If I planned to go out with my friends or spend time in the living room or downstairs kickin' it and I didn't call him instead, he would get mad and always tell me 'do whatever you want' but not in that 'go on have fun' type of voice, more like the 'well fine then! you think you are hurting me??' trust me. I am not imagining it.

But it's my fault. I really should have stopped it. We were driving back from the store today and I started remembering my volvo. That car that I had so loathed . . . not really loathed but heck I was really wishing I could have a nice car. I was actually dreaming about being in that car after I got off from the Apple Store (ah the Apple Store!) How wonderful it was in my car with the broken radio. I had my little portable speakers in there with my iPod. Listening to 'Realove' by Musiq. I just miss that so much. Work has always been a big part of my life. I think once teaching wasn't the biggest part of my heart anymore, I had to quit. I loved the kids but I had to quit. I miss them so much. I miss the Apple Store SOOOO much. I miss my volvo SOOOOOOOOOO much. I have this iPod here and I might as well have given it away. I hardly have use for it. I might use it when I am mad to tune everyone out but it's not like using it in a car or walking up DeLacy in old town on the way to work.

I am soooooo frustrated. I have one Zoloft tablet and I am thinking about taking it and going to bed. I under estimate the power of medicine. I can be less miserable. I was watching this French movie, Madame Bovary today. The interesting thing was that I picked up this book in high school. (I am watching a cartoon where a 40 ton buffallo looking thing just took off flying just using his tail). Ernest is sad now. I wonder if he just wanted to come and be babied by me or if it was those beef sticks I gave him LOL.

Anyway, Madame Bovary was married to a nice man who did everything for her - very different than me and Jack but anyway, she was miserable. She had no passion, no fire, so she shopped and slept around to bring more fire into her life, but in the end she ended up commiting suicide. Some people would say she needed Jesus. I say that is true but I think about Jesus now and how it doesn't help me to think about his love because it is not something I can see and touch. :/ I don't know if there is anything that can be done for me. It seems like all the stories like Madame Bovary's end up killing themselves :/

Maybe that is the lesson.

I LOVE ERNEST . . . but

Well I love my puppy, I take care of him, I clean up after him, I play with him, sometimes I even sleep with him, but the other day I encountered a situation where I had to run to Jack screaming for him to go deal with he dog. Of course all puppies have worms. We have been debating whether he was too young to get wormed but ew ew ew ew ew. Well I'm over there playing Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic (which I'm convinced is the game of the century) and Ernest is begging to go outside. So I get up and I am like 'come on Ernest' cause I take him to the back where it is closed in and not the front where any old huge black dog can come and eat us. So Ernest decides this is an emergency and goes right there. What comes out is a ton of worms. Not a ton but litterally you wonder who could this poor puppy old all of these things. Like that picture from my thing about brain parasites. . . it was that disgusting and it gave me the willies everytime I thought about it. The real problem was that they were still hanging out of him partially! Only about half of those had already came out. And he saw that I was freakin' so he decides to come see what's up with me (I hear him barking now. . . his bark is getting stronger). I run away from him screaming and telling Jack to deal with it. If you know me, you know that this is the only possible response I could have given to this situation. But Jack doesn't know me and he starts getting mad and saying 'I guess we are going to have to get rid of the dog now! Geez! You're acting so crazy over this!' I had already discussed my problems with dogs and worms with Jack and I thought we had agreed, but he still wants to yell about it. Later on he apologizes. . . always after the fact. Well Ernest had gotten into the cat food which gave him diahrea and then the worm issue . . . .gross gross gross. So now everytime he wakes up I take him outside hoping it won't be like before. One day I got impatient with him outside because I had taken him to the front and I got hyper nervous, so he peed on me. LOL. Anyway, the trials of having a dog. I love that do soooo much though. I tell him that all the time LOL. It's a nice diversion.

Well I beat Star Wars as a Sith. Now I have to beat it on the good side but I kinda want to go totally good which would mean starting from scratch. The ending is awesome but I don't want to ruin it for you guys. . . go get it. The battle is super, you get to use all kinds of force powers and I got up to level 20 and I was awesome. My favorite move to put on other dark jedi (the attack you reguardless of whether you are a sith or a good guy because You are trying to take over) anyway, the best thing to use on them is force whirlwind and then lightsaber their ass like 2 or three times. The force whirlwind sweeps them up in a tornado, but before all of that, as soon as the battle begins I go and give them a force storm and shock them all down to 3/4ths life. Anyway. . . .it's an awesome game el sin. They have it at the Apple store for Mac!! If they don't have it in the front tell them to look in the back.

What the Heck Was I Supposed To Do??

Tell me this, what kind of person walks around the house all day in their pajamas. . .ME! Especially when I have a huge hole in my body where it's iron used to be and I am sluggish. So I work all day on that picture and still am not finished. And I am sitting in the living room when Jack gets back home and honks the car horn. I walk out there and he wants to talk to me. He says, "I am staying in the car incase I have to run." I am like . . . ooooookay. Whatever. So he hands me a little box and of course there is a ring in it. I am looking around like, 'what the fuck am I supposed to say to this?!?!?!' I mean we agreed to work on our friendship. There is no way we are ready to be married. Hell, I was thinking about finding some where else to go if things continued to be fucked up. so I didn't know what to say. I just said what I was thinking, "I would rather go in the house because there might be dogs out here." and I left :/

I don't know what to do but he is in here now and I guess we are going to have to talk about it.

Colorization attempt 1

Here is a colorization I am working on with one of my drawings. It's exciting. It's the first time I've ever been able to do it. And after my billion manga drawing books I think I did okay on it. It's not finished. I haven't cleaned it up totally. . .the white space and I am still trying to decide if I want to take the other stuff out of the picture totally. I think I will. Perspective wise it's not drawn correctly.



I will blog more about my adventures later.

Well It Finally Happened

And by it I mean they took Molly to the hospital. It's so tough to know what to believe with these people around here. Jack says Molly does things to get attention and from what I've seen it's true sometimes. I hate it I really hate it. So I am up all night these days. I finally went to bed around 11:30 or so after watching Open Water (crap), The Manchurian Candidate (2 thumbs, I forget the guys name but the VP in the movie, I always thought that actor was hot), I also watched. . . Resident Evil: Apocolypse, it was cool. . . the fighting was cool but it was done so that you don't really see everything, Trekkies: a movie I have always wanted to see, and I think that is it besides the in betweens.

Everyone was a sleep so I put in my belly dancing workout in Kalob's TV and did it.

So in the wee hours. . . about 2:30 when Molly usually gets up. . . Good grief I wish she'd sleep through the night. But she comes out and I tell her I am making a sandwich because I always get hungry around 2:00. So she is out there and decides to make a sandwich too. I had changed the channel to something she wanted to watch about some native tribes in Africa and other places, (haha one of the kids on the "Kids Next Door" said 'Don't you get it! He's gone! J-A-W-N! Gone!" LOL). Anyway I turn around and Molly is being kind of weird but she was going along with the rhythm of the music. . . this is so hilariously horrible. . . so I just turn back to what I am doing thinking she is dancing. So I turn again and realize she is having one of her fits. So I help her in her chair. She is shaking and I am holding her. This is a major conflict of interest. You don't want to have the person who has been driving you insane in your arms. Well, anyway, I finally go to bed and I wake up and hear Kalob talking to Helen through her door across the hall saying Molly has a temp of 103. So the paramedics get called. I go out to do what I can after considering for about 5 minutes if I should just stay in bed. So I go out. Helen asks me to get the animals and put them in her room. I put Skip and Precious in there. . .luring them in with these beggin strips I bought for Ernest (who has been so sweet by the way. . . he gets fleas around his rear so he will come up to me and want me to scratch his little behind LOLLOLOLOLOL). Anyway, I take Ernest outside but before I actually did any of this Molly is walking around and yells out 'I can't breathe!' and starts falling out. I catch her and ease her to her chair. All I can think is, she didn't say 'I can't breathe' as if she was out of breath. You know what I hate myself that I can't be more innocent of thought. I feel like when I first came here I was ready to do that. But now it's so damn hard.

So she is gone. I am gonna get offline now so that I can keep the line clear just incase and I am going to sneak down into her room and use the scanner so I can put some of my drawings online! Peace.

Somebody Help Me; I'm Going Insane

Well I need to update this site but I have been doing other stuff. Last night I downloaded like 10 megs of vintage photos and started drawing. I came up with some damn good stuff and decided I am a pretty good artist. I love drawing those full figured women of the 20s and 30s and even the scantilly clad women from Paris of the same period. Well, it's fun. My favorite thing is drawing complex clothing.

Anyway, if you thought my problems were over. . .where have you been? Have you been reading this blog?

I wake up at like 1:00 on the dot. . . no like 12:48 probably. Jerry Springer was on but I can't bring myself to watch that stuff. I was too lazy to reach over and turn off the tellie so lay there with my face burried in my pillow (and to think I was about to say my pillow burried in my face LOL). Anyway, getting up at 12:28 is not too bad since I only went to bed at 7:30am. I was trying to stay awake for the smurfs. . .but Sherlock Holmes of the 22 Century was on. I actually like that cartoon but I was exhausted.

After Springer I get the motivation to turn the TV off. I grabbed my pencil, my paper, and an eraser and I started drawing. . . french girl sits on a trunk. She's wearing the old fashioned undergarmets. Jack comes in and keeps bothering me. I finally ask him what's on his mind. He says, "I'm trying to think of a way to talk to you with out you getting mad." After he said that I was pissed off. The whole rest of the conversation he was saying things that I say to him. These are not things he can be justified in saying to me. I never get mad when he is talking. . . well I get mad but I don't lose my cool or raise my voice. . . I just don't do it. I don't have the energy.

So he goes on to tell me Molly thinks that I don't like her. Well geez. I have nothing to say about that except I am trying to be nice to her. I don't know where she got this idea. I sat up for hours the other night talking to her. Is she crazy? Then he says, 'they don't see me and you as a couple so it would be nice if you helped keep the kitchen clean more often.' Even now I have to pause to give the most horrid look I can give. Is he serious? Who else cleans the kitchen? I do it everyday. Just because a huge mess accumulates in a day. . .I mean old roomies, imagine what our house would look like after 2 weeks of no one cleaning the kitchen. . . that is what this mess is like. So, here I am sitting here thinking more and more that I need to leave.

I had started to think, maybe God put me here because Jack is gonna end up with Kalob after Molly dies (when will that be??) and he doesn't know what to do with a kid. I was starting to think I had a purpose in being here. Now I am just starting to think I can chock this up to another one of my horrible ideas and I probably shouldn't give staying here another thought. The sad thing is, I like the little town. I mean I could live in this town. I can see one thing happening though, I would never get any friends. These people around here just look at me and stare. . .especially the black people. It's not about Jack. They stare at me when I am alone. I just look weird I guess. It's not my weight because you can't go 3 people without finding an overweight black person.

I don't know. I think these people are insane. And steadily they are driving me insane :( Not sure what to do. Gotta go take my meds before I drop dead. Then I will go and clean the kitchen and the living room and the bathroom and then maybe I will take a shower. Hopefully I won't drop dead. I have been anemic lately and it's getting worse. I need so much work done on me it's pathetic. I think I'll die before Molly does :/

I keep to myself because I like to draw and write and play the sims and read, and these are all things that don't require other people. I guess she is taking it personally that I am introverted. . . the funny thing is, and I told Jack this, everytime he comes back here to tell me something someone has said it makes me want to avoid people even more. EVEN MORE!

LORD GIVE ME A EFFIN' BREAK!

GEEZ!!!!!!!!!!

Chinese New Year

This is a crazy story I got from one of my blog rolls:

Happy Cock Chinese New Year!



Once upon a time there was a Donkey and a Bull talking cock together at a nice green pasture.

With a cock of his head, the Donkey, an old and kindly fellow, gently nudged the Bull.

"Hey," said the Donkey tentatively, for the Bull was known to be a cocky one and might take offence at the slightest hint of an insult. "What do you think of the Chinese New Year? Its coming, year of the Cock, I heard."

"YIKES!" screamed the Donkey, before the startled Bull can even breathe in and begin to answer. Of course, this is very rude, and the Bull frowned (or attempted to since Bulls cannot really frown), failed, and decided to flare his nostrils in a vicious Bull-like manner instead.

"COCKANATHAN!" Bull exclaimed, angry at being interrupted although he hasn't really begin to speak. "If you wanna ask me a question at least listen to my answer!"

"No, old friend," said the Donkey. "I am just really shocked! That humongous thing between your legs ... IS THAT YOUR COCK?!"

"What?!" The Bull, curious whether it is really his cock the donkey is talking about, tried to turn around to look between his legs and failed extravagantly. He turned three full rounds and realised he looked extremely stupid and decided to settle for bellowing snot out of his nostrils instead.

"I can't see what you are talking about!" the Bull exclaimed, seeing red.

"Errrr..." said the Donkey, now chickening out because he is really terrified that the bull stampedes on him.

"What?!" repeated the Bull.

"It is really damn big for a cock, old friend!" said the Donkey. "You must see it. Let's go to a river, shall we?"

And so they did.

After some struggling, the Bull finally saw what Donkey meant, and with a swift kick from one of his hind legs, extracted a gigantic cock from between his legs.

"COCKles and Mussels! What the fuck are you doing hiding between my legs?!" the Bull roared at the Cock, now seriously trembling. Even as Donkey and Bull watched it, it dropped some more feathers, its wattles shaking in a rather grotesque manner.

The Cock was so big he almost reached up to the donkey's ass. Ass's ass! Ha.

That's besides the point. The big Cock whimpered, "I am just attracted to your hind legs!"

The Bull replied, "Don't lie to me you piece of chicken shit! I wouldn't believe you! You, like the rest of the animal kingdom, just heard the rumour that bull shit gets you to the top, and you want a piece of it!"

The big Cock, really damn big for a cock it is, sobbed into its chest feathers in a faggoty fashion.

The Donkey was about to ask the Bull to calm down and forgive the poor Cock when suddenly, without any warning whatsoever, the Cock imploded. Just like that, with a loud bang.

Feathers, viscera, and shockingly enough, an egg, all splattered on to the shocked Donkey and Bull.

The Donkey stared at the Bull.

The Bull stared back, and said loudly, "It wasn't me, I did nothing!" But it was too late. Some policemen dogs promptly came into the scene and arrested the Bull, pulling him by his horns.

The Donkey started his lonely walk home.

*****************

His wife was cooking.

"Hey dear, how was your trip out to the pasture today?" inquired the caring wife.

Donkey, still in a state of shock, started relating the whole story to her.

"Now," said the wife, attempting to put her hands on her hips but failing and falling forwards instead. "Don't you start sprouting rubbish to me ok? That was really some cock and bull story you just said."

*******************
p/s: The above story is supposed to be festive because of the repeated mentions of "cock".

HAPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPYYY Chinese New Year!

*******************

More Parent Meetings for the Non-Parent

Well tonight Jack and I took Kalob to a parent meeting about High School. I realized I would have to kick his reading up a notch and not take it so lax. Of course he wants to learn so that is a positive, but he is an inconsistent so me with my inconsistent self has to become consistent. It's gonna be tough. It was weird being in a school again. . . awakened old feelings of feeling important in life and having a cause. I am a wishy washy loser sometimes.

Anyway, I started thinking. . . is this why I am with Jack? Because when Molly dies he is going to be left with Kalob and he has no clue how to treat another adult let alone a child. I am not perfect either but I have a tiny bit of experience educationally which is something he needs and I have seen enough good examples of parenting. So who knows. Things with us are great now that we've decided to be friends on some level. Weird sleeping with your friend but once I told him I wasn't inlove with him, I had an easier time being kind to him.

Ernest is as funny as ever but it scares me. When he is three times his size he is going to be big enough to cause some damage. Jack is saying he might be half pit. I don't want to hear that . . . parent in denial so I am going to continue my bulldog story. He has those same rolls on his head like one but he's not nearly fat enough.

(Yu-Gi-Oh is such a crap cartoon). Anyway, today Molly put down the dog food (think it was actually cat food) for the animals. Let Ernest get into it and then brought him to me saying she knew I didn't want him to have it. I mean ideally she should have brought him to me before she put it out so he wouldn't have seen it. He went nuts. WOULD NOT calm down. . . not even after 20 minutes. I knew he was hungry so I gave him his puppy food. He likes it okay but nothing tastes nearly as good as wet food you know. So he is eating his puppy food and howling. It was so cute. He'd crunch some of it up and then howl like he was torn between resisting it and being hungry. I didn't laugh at him them but after the fact I laughed. I started getting worried, how would I be when he was 3 times the size and threw a tantrum. I have to get him trained. Anyway, he was soooo miserable. Not mad but he was even crying. Eventually I let him out after handing him to Jack while I put the cat food in the fridge. Then I had Jack fix the fence because he likes to wander outside. Anyway, I am less worried. Jack said, It's like him being in his terrible twos. After he said that I was more hopeful, thinking, perhaps it's a phase. Then I will get him neutered too. Getting a male's balls chopped off does a lot for his agression.

I am gonna play the sims after cleaning the kitchen. I have not felt as good as I do today. Yesterday I did my ballet DVD. I was out of shape and I felt it. I cursed my way through the whole floor exercises. . . it sounded something like this.

::Me struggling through lifting my legs from the side:: Through gritted teeth 'oh, I'm doing a good job you mother fucker. . . is that what you said? Fuck Fuck Fuck shit, damn it! ARGH!

Yeah I have a potty mouth especially when I am exercising. It gets me through. . . LOL.

What Country Are You From LOL

Well I took this test twice. The first truthfully:


France


?? Which Country Are You From ??
brought to you by Quizilla

And the second as if I were a Nazi: The results were startling:


Germany


?? Which Country Are You From ??
brought to you by Quizilla

Considering Similarminds.com says I am Hitler, there may be some truth in the second choice. The first one for the reasons they gave is complete bull, but I would fit with france in an artsy way LOL.

Wicked Dreams. . .

This nights dream. Excuse the lowercased letters, I couldn't be bothered.

We were all going on a road trip: el sin, me, year1516, patricia, jeanette L, leihulu, and some other people, maybe there was dan. I was one of the drivers of a car, then tip and year 1516 were driving a van together, patricia and jeanette were driving a mini-van. seems like they had some kids with them. anyway, where we went is lost, I am thinking a place with a pool but I can't remember.

On the way there I had one of el sin's cellphones and I plugged it in in the car to let it charge.

So we get to where we are going, now we're coming back. Seems like I am in the car with a few people. . . possibly leihulu. Anyway, our car stops at a mexican food store. I don't buy anything because they didn't have anything I recognized. Other people came in and didn't buy anything either.

We get back on the road and now I am worried that year1516's cellphone didn't get charged and we can't communicate. It seems like I am in the car with Patricia and Jeanette and we are talking about something, can't remember.

So we get back. Then I am in K's bedroom holding her daughter. She is still angry with me but perhaps she is being nice because there is a room full of people. The baby needs to sleep and so I start giving her some kind of purple liquid that we found on our trip and it is running down her chin but she is drinking it. Then K takes her and cleans her up. I am sitting in a chair next to K's bed and she comes around behind me and hugs me and says she is sorry. I am overwhelmed with a certain feeling I haven't felt before and then I start crying. I tell her I'm sorry too but I feel like I was supposed to say it. So we hug and then I wake up but the strangest thing is the feeling I got when she hugged me. I was completely caught off guard and feeling awkward for being there in the first place.

Now, sometimes a dream really just is a random series of thoughts put together to help you remember. For instance, I can trace the fact that I was thinking about a Mexican food store back to last night when I went grocery shopping and spent some time in the Mexican food isle shopping for Jumex juices. The fact that I was thinking about K and her baby because I was talking to leihulu about them and looking at their family portrait.

But where do I trace that desire to reconcile back to? I have a deep problem with this. I don't know if anyone else feels it as strong as I do. . . possibly Agent Blueberry, but maybe others too. This is beyond just an end to a friendship. Last night I was looking at their family portrait and I couldn't even LOOK at her. It was like I didn't want to make eye contact with the picture!!! What the heck is wrong with me?? I don't know. I am hung up in that place. Feels like losing a parent I guess. But from the looks of it, something like my dream will never occur and so I have to just let go. I doubt at this point if I tried anything to reconcile that it would work. I am too afraid to even try based on the fact that this is a global attitude she seems to have. Not just with me. Oh well, in her mind I guess she thinks she is doing right. I can't say more on that fact, just that dreams are just dreams sometimes, perhaps this was just one of them.

You know, I hardly ever remember a dream unless it had K in it, but then I remember a lot of my dreams and she is in most of them which means that I can't let it go :( I hate myself for being so weird like that.

My dad once said to me that most people aren't ready for the kind of honesty that I want to have. People prefer to keep their secret lives and feelings hidden. I did too to a point but it always tore me up and as VJ, beckers, and leihulu could attest to, I almost always told somebody what i was up to. I even confided in R about certain things. I told him about me and Larry and I told him about my trip to the 'planned parenthood'. But then I truly don't believe he ever told her about it. Perhaps I am naive but I don't believe he told her. But he told me to tell her which means that he understood she was an important figure in my life and that I wanted to tell the truth. It's funny, I haven't given him that same sort of friendship, but what can I do about that now. When K did come and talk to me about Larry, she did it out of love, telling me she cared about me and I shouldn't throw everything away because of a mistake.

The problem was, I couldn't stop myself. It didn't help anything. I feel awful about that but what can I do now. And why can't I let it go? I guess because deep down I feel like this is ALL my fault, everything. Perhaps I am so conceited to think that the problems that are going on now are my fault too. Like K was a better person, or nicer person before all this stuff happened. That would be a lie on a small scale but I can say that without a twinge of doubt. It makes me sick.

In other news, I am sure you guys are sick of hearing about my dreams but they are sooo telling. Anyway, my back has been killing me in ONE SPOT. This is insane. This spot is about the size of a quarter. Well maybe two quarters and it has a little knot there. Cancer you say? Probably. I think it's a big ball of hate though :(

I feel like I am going to throw up. I just realized that the entire time that Kaleb is at school, I am asleep. I was going to bed when his grandmother was waking him up and now I am waking up as he comes home LOL. It's funny. I've been watching adult swim twice every night. I hate the nights that Futurama doesn't come on. Anyway, I've said enough.

I Wonder

I am sitting here unsure of what to think. Yesterday I cleaned the kitchen to perfection and recleaned the living room after Kaleb did a poor attempt. So then Jack decides he is going to cook now that the kitchen is clean. . . who can resist messing up a clean kitchen.

So he promises me he will clean it up afterwards but like everytime he says that, he doesn't. So here I am exhausted. I barely got up at 2:30 and then in 2 hours he was home. So Molly was mad that I didn't clean the kitchen or cook I guess and so she was in there talking to Jack about me. I thought it was over but that was dumb of me. . . I really didn't think it. . . but I hoped. So I am the object of frustration once again. Now she is telling him that her boyfriend calls her around 12 pm but she hasn't been able to talk to him cause I'm online. The funny thing is, for the past week, she has been saying, 'If Dennis calls, I ain't talking to him.' So I figure, I was doing her a favor. But whatever.

So Jack is saying stuff like I am not helping out and he needs my help, he's under a lot of stress. These people. I am like what the fuck ever. Oh well. I don't want to talk about it anymore.

Heretic Out

Amazingly Accurate. . .

Or am I just easy to read? See what happens for you when you take The Color Quiz

Here are my results. . . this is just amazing:

Your Existing Situation
Insecure. Seeks roots, stability, emotional security, and an environment providing greater ease and fewer problems.

Your Stress Sources
Seeks independence and freedom from any restriction and therefore avoids obligations or anything which might prove hampering. She is being subjected to considerable pressure and wants to escape from it so that she can obtain what she needs, but tends to lack the necessary strength of purpose to succeed in this.

Your Restrained Characteristics
Circumstances are such that she feels forced to compromise for the time being if she is to avoid being cut off from affection or from full participation.

Has high emotional demands and is willing to involve herself in a close relationship, but not with any great depth of feeling.

Trying to calm down and unwind after a period of over-agitation which has left her listless and devoid of energy. In need of peace and quiet; becomes irritable if this is denied him.

Your Desired Objective
Wants interesting and exciting things to happen. Able to make herself well-liked by her obvious interest and by the very openness of her charm. Over-imaginative and given to fantasy or day-dreaming.

Your Actual Problem
The tensions induced by trying to cope with conditions which are really beyond her capabilities, or reserves of strength, have led to considerable anxiety and a sense of personal (but unadmitted) inadequacy. She attempts to escape into a substitute world in which things are more nearly as she desires them to be.

Your Actual Problem #2
Seeks to avoid criticism and to prevent restriction of her freedom to act, and to decide for herself by the exercise of great personal charm in her dealings with others.