Blah

I am just bloggin' because. I don't really feel like it. I just put listerine all over my face. There are bugs everywhere. No, it's not the weather. These people won't clean a thing. It's funny really. They expect me to go to work and come home and clean up after them. Jack is not working, Kaleb didn't go to school, yet the house is certifiably condemned. Jack ain't here and Kaleb is sittin' on his ass playin' video games. There are little fruit flies EVERYWHERE! There are crap flies too I guess. Jack stupidly left the door open and left the house. Well what do you know the animals came and peed and crapped on the bed. It wasn't just Ernest but since they peed on Jack's side I would say that was Ernest because he always does that. The crap was small so it was probably Precious. Could have been Ernest though, thank God no worms if it was.

So there are bugs in this room too and there are the little flies everywhere. That's why I am wearing a listerine suit. It was an act of desperation. I sprayed on off but it is not super effective. I put it in my hair too because those fuckers get in there. Now I am pissed. I have to get to writing though. After all, I am a writer. That's what I am supposed to do. I'm not tryin' to make a career out of Walmar-te. I spent some of my Walmart gift card on dog food today. But anyway, I am sick of this position. Later.

Life and Times at Walmar-te

Well it wasn't too bad today. An honest day's work. I met some interesting characters inluding one old man that was interested in buying one of the two computer types at the store. I didn't know anything about the systems so I was reading the box. After talking to higher ups in that department, no one else knew anything about it either. . . made me miss Apple a lot. It was fun. I enjoy helping people. I helped one woman with film for her camera, I helped people find stuff, I helped that old man with the computer find some baking tools. He said, it's not what you think, they are for me, not for my wife. I thought it was cute. He said he went to school for baking just for fun. . . never used it in a career.

My back is hurting from sitting all day taking tests. That was kinda boring. I am still wanting to learn about HDTV. I have two tests to take on that. I am gonna look up some stuff on walmart.com just so I know.

I need to be writing. I will be writing soon. I have some good ideas for my story so I should like Snoop said, "Drop it like it's hot!" LOL. That's a good one. Bush is on TV. I guess I'll listen. I kinda like him, don't shoot me. The old guy looking for the computer kept telling me about how Harry Truman was the greatest president ever.

I know I'm boring tonight, go read about Terry Shivo (or however you spell it) and her 'right to life' battle.

Threatened

Jack is threatened by me working. I started working at Walmart today. It's actually a pretty cool place to work. The Vice President of operations started out as a cashier. That's the funny thing. Some stores have one or two stories like that but at Walmart that's everyone's story. These people have no degrees, no nothing, but they work for Walmart for 20 years etc. It's amazing. Can you believe the Brunswick store here was the 4th top sales in all the Walmart stores? That's crazy. . . but then, people go on dates to Walmart here :) The woman who was training us started as a section manager and ended up becoming assistant store manager and traveling all over the U.S. and Canada to open Walmart stores. She got to live in Canada for 4 months. It's cool. But whatever.

Jack is saying, basically now I don't need him anymore because I'm working and now he is in a pitiful state. Things have been going well with us. Once we decided to keep it cool we got along better. So he starts getting all sentimental and I am like, I don't want that. . . so he's mad and then he gets over it. Now this. I am like geez. I was thinking a lot today about the feelings I used to have driving home from the Apple Store. The greatest feeling on Earth. . . I belonged. I didn't make enough money to survive. Sometimes I had to put 3 dollars of gas in my car and half of it was change. I ate red beans and rice for a while, but I loved the store. I felt like an amazing superstar working there. Ah well, what can you do? I am going to go. My stomach hurts. When I find a journal that works with my free internet I will email it to yall. If I haven't given you my new email address and you actually read this, please post a response to this post and let me know. If you leave your email I'll email you. I think my instant messenger will work. . . I think. Who knows. Later yall. I think I have found an allergy. After eating lunch yesterday my throat nearly swole shut and it didn't go too far down until an hour ago.

Stalkers at the Flea Market and AOL

Well yesterday I visited the flea market where Jack works on the weekends. It was great to be out of the house but I discovered the smell of grinding bone will give you major headaches! Plus it smells aweful too. Anyway, I was walking around and this hispanic guy in about his early 40's kept following me around. He kept coming up behind me and saying "I love you for you." I thought this was so insane. I told him I wasn't interested. I went back to the table where Jack and his friends were working and sat there. Then the guy just kinda walked around the tables near there and kept starring at me. I mean, I know I'm sexy but geez, no means no LOL.

(I had to go run out and wake hellen up and let the dogs out. But before I could do that I had to secure all their escape routes from the backyard)

Anyway, people at the flea market broke out into big arguments. I was like whatever. I bought some books there. I got like 5 for a dollar. But they were 50 cents a peice if you didn't buy 5. That was kinda a rip off. I didn't want some of the ones I got but it was cheaper than buy only 3. I've been drawing and everytime I sit down to write I get into a problem, headache or whatever. Jeez! I have to really get down to it. That's my promise to myself. Everyday I am working on my story but not putting things on paper. I'm doing things like reading help books, formulating my ideas. . . which have improved since reading this great book.

Anyway, Since I might not have AOL for a minute, I am probably not going to be able to blog for a minute as well. Will probably get a live journal or something. I like their look anyway. I am signing off. Might be on later today but I am too tired. Plus I gotta get in there and clean the kitchen.

Etc. . .

I am totally full. Been stress eatin' today. Molly drivin' me crazy but I talked to her today which was sooooo fuckin' weird. Anyway, things are cool. I find myself pickin' up some of those manipulation traits. I find myself reconciling with her mostly on the basis of the car. I am going to start work next week and I will need to get there. This is incase Jack doesn't get his act together. You know what. . . I just lied. LOL, not intentionally. I don't know if I got the job yet. Well, I have made some decisions about myself. Some directions to definitely go in. Here there are for the world to see. I usually have problems putting it out there because when I don't achieve my goals I feel horrible. I always feel like I can't have any more goals (like cookies. . . you've had too many LOL). But in the interest of being a new me, circa 2 counceling sessions, here are my goals:

1. To pursue one hobby above all others and do it consistently (this is like telling superman to eat kryptonite soup but for me it can be done! Believe in myself). That hobby is writing. It is the one thing I feel strongly about. All the others I feel very mediocre at. I intend to improve that hobby and threat it as if it's a full time job. I intend to call myself a writer because I read that that helps you to make that become true. But I am not going to be a cheesy, wish I was at the white house type of writer because that would be me trying to live someone else's goals lol.

2. I will commit all my language efforts to Spanish. (This is a big step OUCH! I have the desire to go back on it already! But hold fast. . . this is me and my new stick-to-it-ive-ness)

3. I have decided well you know, I forgot the others LOL. Damn!

Those goals may not seem like real good goals to an outsider. They may say, 'finish college' is a goal. But the truth is, my passion is definitely writing (today. . .kidding) and I am definitely going to pursue that. If I get to go to college again great. If I don't and I become successful, then I just prove to everyone what I have always believed, college is just a place you go to show that you stuck to something. Me sticking to my writing is the same thing (less classes though). I know I know in college you learn stuff from people but geez, nothing I learned in college thus far was something that I couldn't learn in a book. My problem was that I wouldn't stick to it. I should be fluent in Spanish and Japanese by now but I didn't stick to it. You see. BTW, I agree you might need a teacher to teach me calculus but I didn't learn it when I had a teacher so my point is proven with superhuman logic.

Bored Out of My Gord

Well I will tell you what is SO UNFAIR! The fact. . . that there is already a Sims2 Expansion Pack but no Sims2 for Mac. I've been playing the first sims with a few expansion packs on it. I wish there was an apple store close by. I could buy the original sims disks which are lost in space somewhere. I let people borrow them and now it's gone. I have all the other expansions I think except livin' large. I might have it. But they sell those two together these days. So I want to get that with livin' large and then Hot date, vacation, and super star. Then I will have all of them for Mac. I already have hot date and vacation for windows. Too bad it's not like the olden days where programs came with Mac and Windows on the same disk.

I am a little bored these days. Aside from watchin' HGTV and Pimp My Ride, I haven't done much around here. Oh I clean up whenever Molly is not around. That reminds me of what happened the other day. I'll tell you in just a sec. Anyway, Walmart may hire me. I hope. I am not sure. I'll be 27 tomorrow and I don't think anyone here notices. Oh well.

So the other day Kalob and his little buddy had a sleep over. I kept coming in and telling them to pick stuff off of the floor so that the dogs wouldn't tear it up. So he leaves his XBox controller on the floor and what happens? Ernest chews it up. . . no one knows for sure but knowing Ernest, he did it :) So Kalob notices while I am out there and he goes into a fit. I said, "I told you to not leave your stuff on the floor but you did it anyway." That pisses Molly off. I gave him my controller to play with and said I don't have any money right now to get a new one. He is ranting in there while I came back here and he said, "You need to get a job." If Molly wasn't here I would have torn that kid a new asshole. How dare he. Me get a job when I am doing all his work for him? I could see if he was doing spectacular in school but this kid is a real loser. I am sorry. I know we are supposed to be on the side of kids but this kid is a monster. Molly told Jack that 'I have to go.' But then Jack told Helen that and Helen told Molly that I was the only one that does anything around here. I hate that bitch. I wish she would fuckin' croak. Damn, how every unchristian of me :(

Well I didn't talk to Kalob for the whole day and I still don't talk to him if I remember that I am mad.

Bored bored bored. Waiting to hear back from walmart because if I get it I will find another job and schedule around it. Had to take my first drug test yesterday. I am pretty sure it was my first. Didn't have to do it for Apple. While I was at my Walmart interview, the woman interviewing me said that funniest thing, she said, "We checked your references, Steve at Apple said to come back." That made my day of course. Hopefully when I do come back I'll be able to work there. They at Walmart said they are looking for people to stay with the company for years. . . but I am thinkin, at 6.85/hr, you aren't lookin' too hard. That was what they offered me. Ouch. They said I didn't get much of an increase because I hadn't worked anywhere for more than 2 years. Well here is the deal, that's not entirely true. I worked at The Bay/KPS for more than 2 years but the problem is, my job description . . . teacher and TA are two different things. I thought it would sound real pushy to correct it. She said I would have a chance to get about a 40 cent increase in 6 months. These people are not serious! So anyway, whatever. That sucks but it is full time if I am working there. That means benifits which I hear are great at walmart and I do really need it.

Oh well. Soon I shall have my come-upance or however you spell it. Yes I am trying to get 2 jobs once again so I can have as little time at this house as possible. And when people say I am not helping out I will say 'fuck you and your little dog toto too!' Screw them I guess.

Nothing else is really going on. Trying to think of something else to say but I can't!

Where Does This Leave Me

Well I can't even blog about all the stuff that's going on in my head right now. I went to see two doctors today. One is the one for my head, the other just so I could get some medications and get my period to stop. Well it turned out I am gonna be lookin' at over 100 dollars in meds. That's with no job. I saw my head doctor and it seems he is no longer gonna be working at the place that I go to. . . typical. All men eventually leave me, except for Jack that is, I guess I have left him in a lot of ways.

On coming back, it probably won't be real soon. I did want to come back before year1516 split but I don't think I can do it. It's not just the shame thing, it's that I have nothing. I have been applying for jobs around here. I was going to ask Y1516 if he wanted to come down here and do a uhaul trip back with me but I think I am not ready just yet. I am coming back home but just want to get something in my pockets first.

On moving in with my dad and K. It seems there will be the traditional thought of 'expectations'. The problem is, I get asked to set all these goals and I never meet them. I wish I could just come back home and work and live and pay off my debt and eventually go to school for something. Those are my only goals.

I talked to my counselor today and he says he really likes talking to me. Then when he said he was going to work in a hospice I told him I had terminal cancer so I would be there soon. (I don't really lol). Well, he told me I needed to pick something and stick with it even if I didn't like it. That is a new thought for me sort of. But I guess it's the best advice for someone like me. He was trying to push meds on me and I really didn't want to go that route. I have the potential to become an addict all jokes aside and I don't want that.

So I am not coming home all that quick but I will be back in sunny southern cali soon enough. I miss it. Miss apple. . . hope when I do come back they hire me. I am gonna go watch making the band 3 now. too depressed to write more.

6 days til a happy birthday to me. doubt anyone around here will remember.

Crazy Afternoon

Well I woke up to some craziness this morning. The first thing that happened was that Keisha, who is the wife (soon to be ex) of Jack's best friend called. She said that her husband was wandering in the streets drunk, police were looking for him etc. She asked Jack to go find him. So he did. I thought that was the weirdest thing to happen.

It didn't stop there, a few hours later I heard noise outside of our window and some banging etc. So I told Jack and he said, they are probably just checkin' the meter. Well turns out they were and the next thing you know the power is off. They are running around in a frenzy because Molly is on a ventilator. Well this was the conversation 3 days ago:

"We need to get out there and pay the electric bill," Jack
"Alrighty, well lets figure this this and this out," Helen
"I don't think we ever returned the paper work for the electric company so they wouldn't turn off the power because of Molly's ventilator," ME
"Oh, yes we did. Oh yes, we took care of that," Helen
"I don't remember it. I was cleaning up and found the papers a little while ago," ME
"No I took care of that myself. They have it." Helen
"Um. . . ok then, I just thought. . . " ME

So today we discover that there is no paperwork. Helen is screaming about how she did it. I go through all the papers thrown around here and find the papers that they were supposed to send in. Jack takes it, goes and pays the electric bill.

Well the phone in here is the only one that works and so I come running when I hear it's faint ringing from the bathroom. . . well acutally it first rung when I was in the living room. That time it was Fox, Jack's best friend calling to thank Jack and ask him to give him a call. Then the second time was Walmart. Now this is classic. They aren't hiring too many geniuses in management over there. They ask for phone numbers for my previous jobs. I'd given them the ones I remembered on the spot when I was filling out the application but they say. . .and this is interesting, they say, all the numbers said they were closed. Now, it's about 12 o'clock here which means that it's 8 or so over there in cali. The Apple Store doesn't open until 10. It's funny that they would call back for more numbers because it says it's closed. It doesn't say it's gone out of business. . . it's just closed. VERY INTERESTING. On your job app putting a number is optional but yet they call to ask you for numbers. I never put that they can't contact a place and so it's weird if they call the bay you know. I get scared about it but I put that in God's hands.

So that was a problem. The numbers to all my other jobs are on my cell phone and it's dead cause I never use it and the power is out. I tell them we are dealing with an emergency and I will have to call back with the numbers which I do later.

Molly wants to come upstairs. So we help her. This is an interesting ordeal getting a 200 and something pound woman up concrete steps in a wheel chair. Jack asks me to pull while he supports and lifts. . . like an 18 hour bra anyway. So it turns out my statements about my upper body strength are true. The chair would not MOVE! It didn't move an inch. So! Jack's mom comes and helps but she can hardly do it either. But eventually we get it. Wonderful.

Ernest is crapping worms again. I wonder what that is about. That cute little devil is getting so frickin' big. I came in here and went back to sleep because I was tired. Even though a good episode of star trek: tng was on I fell asleep. They are in there arguing about the groceries. I bet someone is going to ask me to go! Damn it! Oh well. I am starving. I mean my stomach is starting to eat itself. I will go see what Jack actually bought.

Spiritual Revelations

I told Jack that being human in the spiritual realm was like being blind and deaf (and you don't know it). We have way more problems that we realize. We have the greatest potential to become something more but we have the biggest henderances of any other.

You Won't Believe What a Retard I Was (am?)

Well I have been thinking a lot about all of this stuff. I feel pretty damn strange. I don't regret this but I started to feel really sad and as Agent BB said for me to do I made a list of pros and cons of staying with Jack, staying here but on my own, and moving back to cali. I obviously came out Cali in the front by a landslide but then I totally feel aweful. Jack and I had a talk. I didn't want to have it but I am not a very great actress and he kept asking me why I was so quiet. I still didn't really answer much but he was asking me questions like, "Do you want me to meet your father?" or saying things like, "I made this knife for your dad since he is going to be in the family. Isn't that right?" He always does that confirmation shit. Damn I was pretty frustrated with it. But you know, there wasn't much I could do about his feelings. He is as insecure as I am. . . more if you believe it's possible.

But just to make myself feel like I wasn't a total retard for deciding to go I started reading my old journals. One in particular always makes me wonder what the hell is wrong with me. I was reading one from 1999. . . yes I keep all my journals. This one was actually a gift from my german friend so long ago. I can't believe how foolish I was over him. This trip I don't really consider foolish. At the least it was a long vacation away from my life. But the german, Micha was a crazy one. I was very foolish. I was 20 years old and it seems like foolish goes well with that age. . . at least for me.

In this journal it's mostly about Micha and the progression of him never speaking to me again. I seem to have that affect on people really. I haven't talked to Larry at all, I had another friend named something or other and he just up and decided to never talk to me again. Honestly I don't know what I did to these people to cause such a dramatic thing like that. I was nice and I was honest. But oh well. In the interest of Adinasi I found this one entry very interesting. Cappucino (I started to put 'k' but that could be mistaken) and I haven't only had the one falling out. As I remember it there have been 3 major ones. . . there may have been more but these are the 3 I remember (not counting the much needed intervention) - these are more things where I was seriously filled with hatred towards that person. That person will be referred to as blank. Parentheses are new comments that I just put in, brackets are old comments that I put in while I was writing it. Many curse words are abreviated lol.

The evil entry: (Warning, this is has a youthful vengence to it, very much missing my wisdom of almost 27 years)

Sept 1, 1999

I hate my life. (this is a recurring theme in all my journals). It's a living Hell. Blank is talking about 'I don't know how mad she is' - F her. She doesn't have to be mad. She can just leave me the f alone. She is the one in this house trying to be my mother when I am only here to be with my dad. I wish she would choke on vommit and die. (that was creative LOL). I mean it. I have never wanted any harm to come to her, but every problem I have in this house has to do with her. I mean even though I get angry with people for a time, she is the only one in the house I would love to see burned alive. (damn). I feel like she is a demon! She doesn't want the best for me (sorry I said that) --she just wants to fuss. I hate her. If hate was air I could fill the universe with all the hate I have for her (ouch!) That b is not my mother! I have no where to go! I'm trapped. She took my computers, she is trying to take my life! She is a stupid f. (ommited. . . ) I can't please her. I don't have enough words to say all that I want to say. She thinks she is mad. I have thought of a good 1000 ways to kill her since she came up here acting like a b. She is not MY MOTHER! I wish (ommitted. . . ) I wouldn't be surprised if she is reading this now! (um. . . wait a minute. If she turns up dead this could be incriminating evidence! Nevermind the rest of the journal. It goes on more like that. . . no shoot, it gets worse.)

Anyway, it's funny. I really don't think that way anymore. I mean I don't think about hurting people like that. . . especially people I cared about. In the most recent present, I've only ever started to hate myself for these types of things. . . well I can say Molly and Kaleb have been a special case but they don't fit into the catagory of people I have cared about (which is wrong I know). I always end up regretting stuff. That's why I think it's better for me to be on my own.

That whole Micha thing, I am sorry to say ended up in an 5 month depression of which my house friends had to snap me out of (it worked on some levels. . . I was able to move past it). But I have been continually making the same mistake that a man would make me happy and secure. It's a sad way to look at life really. I mean ultimately it works for some people on some levels but for me I guess I saw the light before I got stuck in a realtionship that wasn't right (meaning this one) but how many of the relationships I had would have ended in a horrible mistake? I wouldn't have ever stop seeing Micha or Larry, or probably any other of those crazy people I've dated. It's sad. I would have ended up with Larry I really would have. Sometimes I think about him still. I think about the feelings I had when I was seeing him. They were probably the strongest out of anyone I've ever been with. . . just the excitement, the euphoria. I think he was caught up in it too and that is what made him so willing to go as far as he did. He never wanted to get married but I did and so he asked me but as soon as that happened we never saw each other again. It's sad really. Two people so confused.

With Micha, I am not sure what exactly happened but I think he understood that I was too much of a kid, and didn't really know what a real relationship was.

Now I am in a situation where it's not that I don't know what it is, I just don't want it. I can't get it. I don't know. I got burnt out on Larry and I was soooo hoping that a fantasy of Jack would take hold and that he would be something of a story book hero, the indian that saved me from myself. But when it came down to it, he was just as crude and unflattering as most of the men I have encountered. I hoped, but it wasn't enough. I had to come to the conclusion that I was able to make it just being me and not being a couple. That's what I am learning now.

Things to Do For Money

I am going to make a shirt that says "Will Write for Food" LOL. I could do "Will Draw for Food" but I am better at the former than the latter. Perhaps I'll beome a 'ho'. This conflicts with my new found desire to be closer to God so maybe I will hold off on that and give God a chance to work with me.

You Live, You Learn

I just am wishing for some big changes. See Adinasi. I hope that things work out with me coming back. I hope that living further from the bay will be far enough but then even Georgia wasn't far enough. It's in my head. I'll survive I suppose. I hope my dad and my step mom can be patient as I work hard to get my life back together. I am going to be working over time to find a decent job so I can give all my money to the government.

I BEAT STAR WARS: KNIGHTS OF THE OLD REPUBLIC II

that being said, I have nothing else much to say. . . but then when I say that I always think of something else to say. Molly is here. She needs to be in a nursing home really. She can't walk by herself. She can't take a bath by herself and when the suggestion was made to maybe give her a sponge bath, Jack looked my way and I thought if he asks me that I will punch him in the groin. So I avoided eye contact. Who knows how that's going to go. Molly has told Kalob he is going to have to go with his grandfather if he doesn't straighten up his act. I don't deal with him much anymore. I stay in the room mostly and play games. Now that I beat the only games I want to play I guess I will pick up the pace with my blogging. Futurama is on. They have this thing called the 'Near Death Star' - you know like the death star from starwars. That is where they take old people on their 160th birthday lol. Jack's birthday is in one minute (it's 11:59). Guess I will go tell him happy birthday.